Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween

In honor of this holiday, I thought I could take ye, o faithful reader, down a terrifying lane of "costumes" that Mary has worn.

Mary as Gilligan. This was in order to promote sun safety, but as we have come to know, our dearest pet is a major hypocrite, because on her latest holiday, neither kid wore a sun hat.

Mary as mountain man/Seattle grunge chick. Doesn't she look awesome in those flannels?

Mary as a fat belly dancer, although I think belly dancers have more coverage on the nipple area, but hey, can't fault her for trying.

Mary as her granny's shiny curtains. Looks like she kept her beloved gran's curtains even if she threw her letters away. Aaaaw.

Mary as Princess Helena, Queen Victoria's fat daughter. Check the ugly, unflattering hairstyle and pudge stuffed into that poor blue fabric.

Mary as her ugliest sister, the tranny-looking one.

Mary as J-Lo in her fly girl days.

Mary as a fat, red Christmas tree.

The main mistake is that she put the star too low, but still, she has enough ornaments!!!

Another mistake is that she dressed up as a Christmas tree on New Year's, so maybe next time, Mary, you can don the costume on time?

Gotta give our girl props, she brought out the red parure and everything!

Got the lipstick shade wrong, though.

Mary as a bitch from hell mother type who isn't even attempting to comfort her ugly, screaming daughter.

Hmmm, Mary seems to play this character a lot.

Still, with a moron for a firstborn and a damnuglyone for a secondborn, who can blame poor Mary?

Well, I can, for one.

Mary as an ugly, homeless bum.

She is very fond of fugly knit caps and scarves, so she likes this costume a lot.

She will wear her ugly caps and scarves in the presence of other royalty so it must mean that she identifies a lot with this.

Or that she likes to mock the homeless considering that she is filthy rich now.

Mary as an ugly man. She's really good at this one.

Muscular shoulders and arms, no waist, tapenring down in the legs.

She forgot the man shoes and should have put her hair in a bun or under a cap, but I have to say she's really good in this costume.

Which makes you realize that she was corseted within an inch of her life in that sari dress and in her wedding dress to give the illusion of a somewhat feminine shape.

Mary as a pre-op tranny.

She's got the glam gown and jewels, and way too much makeup, but you can still see her penis.

This is what happens when bogans wear too-tight skirts, their massive Mounds of Venus are advertised to the whole world.

Mary as Jackie O. I would say this is her biggest failure, as Mary's massive shoulders and arms completely destroy the delicate look she was going for.

And lastly, Mary as a fat stripper past her prime, who hasn't showered in 3 days.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Wedding

Much has been written about Mary and Frederik’s wedding – how touching that he was crying at the altar, how . . . well, that’s about it, because Frederik was the only one that showed emotion that day.

Mary, already determined to be the Perfect Princess, was a mask of arrogance and self-centeredness throughout. Part of the mask, granted, was the makeup that had been applied with boxing gloves, especially that blush, but Mary’s nose was already used to its new living conditions, about 3 inches higher than it had ever been.

To be fair, if my dress were as badly fitting as Mary’s, I might also want to stick my nose in the air so as not to see how thick and masculine my shoulders looked in the neckline that seemed to hover away from Mary, as though the fabric couldn’t stand to be up against that bogan smell and decided it would stand back from her as much as it could. I would also stick my nose in the air so as not to be constantly looking for the panels of 100-year-old lace that couldn’t be found between the heavy folds of fabric.

And also, there was the problem of the tiara and fake bun. The tiara was so utterly pathetic and ridiculously small for a Crown Princess that it could barely be seen against the veil. The veil was mounted on a huge bun that made Mary look like she’d taken all the weight she’d lost since the engagement and bundled it up under there. Badly placed, badly coiffed, and badly dressed, Mary and her 2 lbs. of makeup had to spend the ceremony and reception pretending everything was fine, and she looked for the camera, not wanting them to miss a single angle of her upturned nose.

How awful is it when your own best friend is looking at you like she'd gladly put one through your forehead at your own wedding? Then again, by this point, Mary had already been a royal bitch to her attendants, hissing at them to get her the bouquet STAT! and making nasty little hand motions.

I don’t know who chose or designed the ugly bridesmaid outfits and hairdos but man, I would have held a burning party afterwards. But Amber, being of the same fame whore caliber as Mary, has been known to prance around z-list celebrity events with the frock on.

It didn't help matters that Mary's dad, John Donaldson, was flashing his balls at anyone unfortunate enough to be sitting across from him.

Maybe he did it as payback for her bitchy little stare as they got ready to enter the church. Yes, Mary is already thinking she's better than her own daddy at this point. What a loving daughter!

And the worst part for Mary and her legion of fangirls?

Letizia Ortiz Rocasolano, a week before her own royal wedding to Spain's Prince of Asturias, steals the show from Mary with a stunning red gown, fabulous hairstyle, and gorgeous jewelry. Take that, Princess Milkmaid! To this day, none of the bitches in the Mary-worship boards can forgive Letizia for stealing the show, and they are quick to say how awful she looks or how ugly she is with no provocation. Jealous much, bitches? Well, guess what, Letizia had a real career, she was an award-winning journalist, and Mary was and is a piece of trash who will never be as high as mighty as she is in her own head. Nyah.

I leave you with two images of what Mary was all about in her special day.

She was all about waving, because even though she had the gown and tiara on, she couldn't very well risk losing anyone's attention.

And she pursed her lips, posing every second of a day that is supposed to be about joy and emotion, and for the new Crown Princess of Denmark, was about neither, for her it was only about coldhearted triumph and arrogance.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

The Engagement

Mary’s dreams finally came true in Rome, when Frederik proposed marriage and she had to stop herself from jumping in the air and spiking a football while screaming, “Yes! Fucking finally! Bogan no more - I WILL BE SOMEBODY!!!”. Instead, she demurely accepted.

However, Mary still hadn’t bothered to learn more than a few words in Danish, and the engagement press conference had to be conducted in English.

Sadly, 4 years after the engagement and 7 years after she first met and hooked Frederik, Mary's Danish language skills are still embarrassing.

Mary was dressed in a shade of beige that was a hint as to what she would be wearing many, many times in public as a Princess. Her hairstyle was very dated and there was enough makeup to do the entire corps of the Buffalo Jills.

Mary and Frederik looking completely disconnected during their first public appearance proclaiming their love. She is trying to pose her body the best she can, and he has no desire to touch her.

It didn’t help matters that Frederik is a buffoon who can barely string two words together – when asked about Mary, he said “she is the person sitting next to me” – now, isn’t that a timeless declaration of love? Have more loving words ever been uttered?

Mary looking extremely uncomfortable and insecure, with an unflattering neckline, awful hairstyle, and overdone makeup. Frederik is looking at her like, "what kind of deranged freak have I just committed myself to?"

The next few days brought a lot of press coverage of the new Princess-to-be, who was already addicted to waving at her adoring public. To this day, Mary can be easily identified by the new royal watcher as she is the one who waves first, waves most, and waves last.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Mary’s Style – a.k.a. Oxymoronland

The style of the Crown Princess of Denmark is much discussed on message boards around the world. To her supporters, she can do no wrong. Not only do they praise her and quickly make up excuses for her if she wears something atrocious, but they purchase clothes and accessories that look like what Mary wears. They are in love with the designers Mary can afford, even if it means they spend a month’s salary on a Prada thong just to be able to say that they, like their beloved Mary, wear Prada.

To her detractors, Mary can do no right, she is a nouveau riche trend-follower who keeps making the same mistakes she did when she wore lycra and spandex 24/7, except now she gets it wrong wearing $500 shorts.

Here's our Color Blind Poppet in a blue and gold striped shirt with a black skirt.

The most clueless 16-year-old at the local mall could tell you that this outfit clashes.

My opinion? Mary has no style. She does her best to be on top of trends, but she fails miserably in the one rule that anyone with a soupcon of style knows – choose what flatters you most. If bright orange is the color of the season and it makes you look like you’re about to barf, well, guess what, you do not wear it. Mary doesn’t know what looks good on her. She didn’t know before, wearing all that lycra and sleeveless tops that made her look masculine, and she doesn’t know now, wearing sometimes gowns and dresses that are made for much more delicate frames.

Here Mary completely ruins a delicate dress by wearing a wrap in a clashing shade of pink with a pattern that ruins the long and fluid lines of the dress.

There are times when she looks good.

Usually, when she wears a tailored suit, with a medium sized hat, and let’s face it, it’s a look that suits most figures and frames.

Good tailoring hides a multitude of imperfections, so it’s not a great accomplishment of Mary’s to look good in a suit.

Mary wearing a hideous getup with her disastrous haircut of early 2007, which was designed to make her look more competent, but it just made her look like any entry-level newsreader.

Masculine women should not wear frilly shirts.

And Mary is incredibly fond of mixing whites and creams, which is a no-no.

The worst part – Mary has a stylist. Anja-Camilla Alajdi, who is one of Mary’s paid friends – along with her Lady in Waiting Caroline Heering. So sad that the two people closest to Mary are two that she pays to keep her company. But I digress. This Anja-Camilla is grossly overpaid for some of the trash bags Mary has worn lately. At best, Mary gets it right 10% of the time. That means she gets it wrong about 50% of the time and the other 40% is mediocre.

Even in gala occasions Mary gets it wrong. Look at this photo of our favorite beige-addict - the color is simply dreadful to her complexion, the hairstyle doesn't give her any oomph, and SHE HAS SWEAT STAINS ON HER ARMPIT!!!

How difficult is it for a princess with attendants to remember the antiperspirant???

That's not even the worst part. Click on the photo. I dare you. She hasn't shaved her armpits in at least 3 days. Want a closet look at those royal armpit hairs? Click here. If that's not disgusting, I don't know what is. And it's not even the only time it's happened. Mary has been known to show pit stains every so often, probably when it's a slow news day.

But no, far be it from those wearing rose-coloured glasses to criticize their Perfect Princess. Mary is an insecure, label-addicted, sunglass wearing wannabe starlet who now has access to a Black American Express card. Along with a stylist, it should mean she is wonderfully dressed for each occasion. In reality, it means that Mary is one of the biggest wastes of space in current history. The money would be better spent sending her and her trough-sipping daddy and step-mom back to Hobart and getting a speech therapist for her husband, the Endless Stutterer Crown Prince Frederik.

ETA: Thanks to darcy for reminding me of the sweaty pit stains Mary displayed when her daughter was born. It's not like the woman had no time to rub on some Secret, for God's sakes, she has a staff.

Transformed: More than meets the eye

In September 2000, Mary Donaldson was an average looking chubbette with floppy arms, a light tan, and a wardrobe that was 80% ugly and 80% lycra. No, I’m not crazy, because lots of her clothes were BOTH ugly and lycra.

After she met Frederik and realized that she could never compete with other royal wives like the Supreme Goddess of Fashion and Social Causes Rania of Jordan, or Miss Congeniality and Micro Finance Maxima of the Netherlands, or Reformed Junkie and AIDS Awareness Angel Mette-Marit of Norway, Mary decided that the only thing she could change was her body.

Since being announced in the Danish press as the “big boned” Australian girlfriend of Prince Frederik, Mary began a transformation that not only included weight, but also color. She was lucky to find a fame whore cosmetics dude from Denmark who was as happy to get some free publicity from his association with her as she was desperate to erase her past, and that included erasing some of her melanin.

True, Mary had an addiction to bronzer and her relationship with overdone makeup continues to this day, but the color she used to have wasn’t all bronzer, ok?

Like any textbook case of true insecurity, Mary doesn’t know where to stop. This includes her weight, her clothes, and her face. She not only dropped about 30-40 lbs. between her first appearance in the media and the wedding, but she has made it her mission to quickly drop weight after she has her children. Clotheswise, she is often a mess, overdoing it with Cartier watches, bangles, cheap jewelry alongside diamonds, and her latest addiction, belts.

Her face has gone from lightly tanned to powder white, and is often covered with an inch and a half of makeup. Black eyeliner is Mary's choice to take to a deserted island, would be my guess, and she is often caked on and spackled on for simple daytime events that require a lighter hand.

More on Mary's "style" on the next post.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Sporty Bogan Illustrated

It is in sporty gear that Mary looks more relaxed. Finally! There is a purpose for all that lycra and spandex other than Mary being clueless about fashion.

Here she is around Amalienborg Palace. The story goes that she moved in with Frederik into his palace apartments until his mama found out and threw Mary out. Fred then got her an expensive apartment complete with weekly orchid deliveries.

Mary looking exceedingly masculine in this getup. I know there are really cute running ensembles, but once again, Mary seems to be talented in finding the ugliest of clothes and looking even worse in them.

Mary looking exceedingly ugly without any makeup.

She has obviously managed to exercise inside the palace, but I guess someone was feeling a little forgotten and decided to go for a run OUTSIDE, in the park everyone has access to.

Mary doing everything but stand on her head in order to get Frederik's attention.

Mary fangirls will also tell you she is great at sailing, which is bullshit, as she has only sailed with other people, i.e. she did pretty much nothing while the people who actually sail did all the work.

Next, the Transformation - more than meets the eye!

The Early Fred & Mary Show

Shockingly, Mary made absolutely no attempt to dress better once she had graduated from "Australian booty call" to "girlfriend" - even though she had been The Other Woman at the beginning of her relationship with Frederik, because he was still dating Bettina Odum for a few weeks after meeting Mary - it is amazing she wouldn't have even tried to better her style.

These photos clearly show that while one could take the girl out of the trash bin, it was harder to get the trash out of the girl.

Mary showing both her nipples and her navel in this hideous bellydancer matron getup, as well as her bad taste.

Black shoes were not the best option for that purple and green dress, either.

Those were the days when Mary didn't prance around in 4 inch heels as she does now.

I wonder how long it took her to learn.

However, something Mary reportedly already had at that point, was a promise ring as seen on her left hand.

More nipplage from Mary. It would be only after she said "Ja" in the church that she'd learn to wear lined bras, although being the bogan that she is, she occasionally still flashes her brassieres, probably hoping we can all see the La Perla tag.

One of the most atrocious displays of vulgarity was this ensemble Mary vomited together for the Melbourne Cup.

Look how proudly our little girl tips her hat off at the photographer. That would be her BLACK hat. With a brown/greenish nastiness of a dress. And hideous brown shoes. We are talking here about the most basic of fashion rules. No black and brown together.

Wanna see the shoes?

Here you go.

They look like the nasties in the Starmakers photos but I can't be sure, since those photos are such bad quality.

Either way, they are atrocious.

And what does our precious one choose for a finishing touch? Check it out, it's a thumb ring. Aw. So cute.

Oh wait, that's not the finishing touch.

That would be the shawl that goes with absolutely NOTHING.

There are so many things wrong with this getup that it boggles the mind how someone who is such a determined social climbing gold-digger wouldn't have at least read a fashion magazine or checked out one of those makeover books.

She is a BEFORE if there was ever one.

I part with this image of our pet, so proud of herself it just breaks your heart to know she looks like shit.

The nasty hair.

The shiny shirt.

The tight top underneath showing our darling chubbette's blubby tummy.

I'm off to open the bottle of Scotch.

Those carefree, lazy, nasty bogan days

For all her desire to Be Somebody, Mary never quite realized that her clothing choices left much to be desired.

The photographic evidence of her pre-Princess days reveals a woman addicted to tight tops, baring her navels, showing off her nipples, and with an atrocious taste in clothes, shoes, and accessories.

Furthermore, she seems to have been blissfully unaware of her physical shortcomings and loved to wear sleeveless tops that showed her chubby arms in all their glory.

Mette-Marit of Norway dressed rather grungy before her marriage, Maxima of the Netherlands was rather exuberant (and still is), Letizia of Asturias was sharp and business-like, and Mathilde of Belgium has, unfortunately, always dressed like she is 20 years older. If she lived in the US she'd shop at Chico's and Talbots.

Mary, OTOH, always dressed like trash.

None of the other women who married heirs to thrones have been as documented as Mary. This is highly suspect because:

a) If Mary is the source of all these old photos and somehow leaked them to the press, it means she is proud of what she looked like back then, and believe me, there isn't much to be proud in these photos.

b) If the source are friends or family, it means that Mary never managed to engender much loyalty in her friends. This seems the most likely scenario as Mary has been described by various acquaintances in her past as stuck up and snobbish, and the only good friend Mary seems to have from her Sydney years is Amber Petty, another fame whore who has been slumming it on the z-list.

Next, early days with Fred & Mary.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Fame whoring, part trois

That's part THREE, Mary. I know you have a problem with languages (more on that, later) so I'm just clarifying the whole TROIS thing.

So, any good fame whore must show somewhat of a reluctance to be pursued by cameras, even if she has been waiting for ages for her shot at fame. Predictably, Mary said something along the lines of "I've always hated to be photographed."


So, let's us have here some graphic proof that the girl who hates to be photographed is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, LOOKING FOR THE CAMERA.

Mary walking away from the oh-so-hated photographers.

But she damn sure turns around to make sure they're getting pics!!!

Picture it - the year, 2002, Mary leaving "work" in Denmark, while talking on the phone and smiling at the waiting photographers.

Let's never say this girl can't multitask.

At her engagement dinner, Mary looks right at the camera while everyone else, oh, I don't know, engages in conversation???

Then again, Mary can't speak Danish or French, or actually, much English, so maybe trolling for cameras was all that was left for her to do.

The new fiancee visiting Australia for her sister's wedding.

Bad hair.

Bad dress.

Looking for the camera.

Here she is, the girl who hates to be photographed.

The day when all her scheming and backstabbing of friends pays off - the royal wedding. And what is Mary doing? Not gazing lovingly at her new husband. Not greeting the thousand of stupid Danes who paid for her wedding. Nope. She's looking for the camera.

Mary desperately trying to lose the last few kilos before Isabella's christening.
Gee, don't they have a treadmill INSIDE the palace?

Seems to me like someone tried on her dress and it was too damn tight!!!

Prince Christian's first visit to Legoland.

And where is Mary looking?

Yep, got it. At the fucking cameras!