Saturday, December 29, 2007

Top Five (which would be Worst Five for her) Mary Moments of 2007

1 – That Haircut. Simply atrocious. Considering that the very next day she had it re-cut, and has been growing it out since then, you can tell she regretted it the second the shears hit the royal hair. Allegedly it was done to present a more mature Mary, to be taken more seriously. However, that is better done with deeds rather than haircuts. She did make up for it with her recent bangs, but the unbelievably self-centered naming of the Mary Foundation definitely does not make up for Mary’s lack of substance.

2 – The much ballyhooed trip to New York. Oooh, a red carpet!!! (um, they brought it themselves) Oooh, the reporters!!! (all Danish and Australians, the Americans couldn’t have cared less) Oooh, the clothes!!! Ok, the clothes. A horrific mishmash of attempted daring, and boring beiges. The only moment Mary looked half decent was in the black dress and updo on their last day. Even during the gala event in her silver skirt, she looked incredibly self-conscious. I’m sure she wished Frederik would hold her hand, but sadly, she should have thought of that when she was trying to snare him. Instead, she just went for the Black Amex, and that’s exactly what she’s gotten. Almost as much fun was the trip to Romania, where Mary spent a lot of time waving at children who didn’t give a shit who she was.

3 – Isabella’s christening. What can I say. Lots, goodie!!! A shabby (as royal ceremonies go) little service with Mary clearly ignoring her screaming annoyance of a child throughout, and not paying any attention to anything the bishop said. Then an allegedly casual barbecue and pool party – what the fuck? Is this a royal christening or Uncle Billy Bob’s shindig down at the farm? Do we have Freddy smashing beer cans on his forehead, too? Not to mention Mary’s ugly, boring, ill fitting dress and recycled vomitorium of a headdress. The fact that Mary was seen jogging the day before confirms my assertion that the dress was made a wee bit too small for the lass, who was spared from ripping her seams because God does, after all, have pity for us all, sinners and useless bogans alike. Mary had on enough makeup to cover up Maxima’s bad skin, not a small feat there, and made sure her neckline was low enough to show the lactating boobies, just like she did at her firstborn’s christening.

4 – The Interview on Berlingske Tidende – Oh. My. God. What a mess. Sure, it was a response to the many complaints about the Royal Pair-a-sites not giving interviews to the Danish media while freely giving interview to the Australian media (i.e. Vogue spread, Andrew Denton, bla bla bla), and why is Isabella being hidden, bla bla bla. However, they didn’t know where to stop, which is the mistake most thieves and conmen make. Not knowing when to stop. There is a reason why Mary and Fred shouldn’t do interviews – they’re a pair of idiots. The enormous hollow space between their collective ears is the reason why they haven’t given interviews in Denmark. In Australia, sure, back when Mary was still revered as “Our Mary” the Vogue issue was a bestseller and Andrew Denton got some ratings even though he himself said it was his worst interview ever, and why was Mary NOT wearing Danish fashion in the Vogue issue???

But I digress. The interview failed when they decided to do a spread to Show The World Their Love. Much like Britney and K-Fed’s TV failure, Chaotic, this was a completely unconvincing show of forced looks and smiles, and fake-tender affection that has not fooled anyone except those that are already fools, i.e. the Mary fangirls, you know, the girls who like to pretend Starmakers never happened.

The interview itself is a joke, with vague answers from this pair of losers – the interview has even been blasted in the same paper it was published. Oy!!! That’s gotta hurt. Or maybe not. As long as Mary keeps getting her Prada and Chanel and Hugo Boss, she probably doesn’t give a rat’s ass.

So, good intentions from the new PR person, but I guess she didn’t know what a ball of fetid shit she has for clients.

5 – This outfit. Holy fucking matron, Batman! What the flying fuck happened here??? What is this? Was she applying for What Not to Wear, Ever, Even if The Alternative is Going Naked in Denmark in January??

The headband with the nasty little flyaways, ever heard of gel, Mary? Tame those nasties!!! Even Hillary did away with her headbands, for God’s sakes. The floral print coat, which looked like curtains in a Victorian parlor. The cobalt blue dress underneath, which had nothing to do with the print on the coat or the headband. And last, but not least, Mary’s signature, the nude pumps. Repeat with me, Mary, nude doesn’t mean it goes with everything!!! Grey pumps would have been much better. This is typical of the Mary style – a complete mish-mash of things that could work best if only someone with a brain would pair them with something else.

I am sure I will have a similarly enjoyable list in 2008, because if Mary can be counted on for something, it is for her ability to do and say stupid things to make us laugh.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Come ON!!!

The Mary-can't-do-no-wrong camp is currently rinsing out their panties after seeing all the lovey-dovey photos recently released by the CP family. I must say that their new PR person is certainly giving it a go. After much criticism of how they will give interviews to the Australian press (because Mary can't speak Danish well) and how they did not release photos of Christian for his second birthday, seems like Mary and Fred, our favorite lazy-good-for-nothings, took a day out of their Very Busy (ahem) Schedule to take photos galore and give a totally retarded interview that I am sure makes Miss PR wish they'd kept their fucking mouths shut.

This photoshoot, or rather, these photoshoots, as there were two photographers doing two separate shoots, are complete failures. The Happy Holidays Danish Family Catalog, I mean, images, are so incredibly forced, considering how many times we have seen Mary completely ignore her children in order to hog the camera.

Take this photo. Fred looks clueless, Christian looks weird, as usual, IsNOTabella looks like she has no personality, despite all the bullshit about her being so feisty, and Mary, well, Mary looks happy because she has found a reflective surface, so as long as she's looking at herself, who cares, right? Barf city.

Speaking of barf, I think we're starting with the self-image issues a little young, aren't we? Why is Mary fattening up IsNOTabella like that? I mean, she could roll that baby girl down the hill and no one would know the difference. Considering that Mor Dearest made a point of losing 30 lbs. in order to fit into her own idea of what a Proper Icon is, I can already see the seeds of some serious Mommy-induced image issues for poor IsNOTabella. And also, as I've said, she is definitely NOT a bella so that's two strikes right there.

More PR bullshit. IsNOTabella is so feisty, she is so happy and then so angry, and then you can't resist her if she smiles, says Mary.
Um, no, no, and yeah I can definitely resist this blank-eyed michelin baby.

I dare anyone to think Mary is not posing here. Give me a fucking break. Family, my ass, all she gives a shit about is whether her bangs and highlights look ok.

Let's move on to the J Crew catalog knockoff that's the pictures of Fred and Mary, lovingly looking into each other's eyes. Yeah. 'cause I really believe it.

WTF is this? Looking towards what? Their future? Their loving, besotted, devoted future, sharing each other's virtues and faults, wondering what lays ahead for their children? Give me a fucking break. Frederik can only look forward to more drinking and sailing, to get away from the robot he married, and Mary can only look forward to her next pregnancy and then losing the weight really quickly so she can fit into the next Malene Birger collection. Not to mention getting the next Marianne Dulong pieces so she can wear then Every. Fucking. Day.

All I can say is, who the fuck styles Mary? Because, given that Frederik is all boyish looking, she looks old enough to be his mother here. The pose where a woman's head is hanging over is NEVER FLATTERING. Remember that, Mary, next time you decide to be on top. Every crag and bulge on your white face becomes more prominent, and if you leave the lights on, Fred might wonder if some nasty old banshee's ghost is riding him.
The severe makeup. The butt ugly cap. The buckles on the sleeves and neck of that coat. Sheesh. You into buckles, Mary?

Fake like Pam Anderson's tits. Fake like Jocelyn Wildenstein's face. Fake like Gucci bags sold at someone's home party.

While the Mary fangirls go looking for new, dry panties to wear, the rest of us who are not so easily convinced realize that this circus was a response to the criticism in the Danish media, and to Trine Villemann's book, not to mention the rampant criticism on other media out there. So what do we say, girls, a let's-save-the-marriage pregnancy in 2008? Or a divorce before Freddy is too old to snag someone else?

The only thing that comes to mind when I look at these stupid photos of Mary and Fred are those herpes medicine commercials, where couples embrace languidly and smile for no reason.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Ok, what the fuck is up with the Christmas cards from Mary & co.? This latest one is baffling in its complete un-holiday-ness. Let's have a little looky-look through the Christmas cards of this ship of fools, shall we?

Oh, 2004, back when Frederik hadn't yet discovered what a piece of work his wife was. The year of the wedding. The year of romance. The year of going around Denmark and lots of public kissy-poo. And what do we get from this pair of freaks?

Mary wearing the most unflattering leggings known to womankind - yeah, I know it's the national costume of the Faroes, or wherever the fuck people willingly dress like that. Anyway, Mary is more of the ole testosterone turf anyways so she doesn't have to worry about wide hips. Then we have The Tearful One wearing a bunch of medals he hasn't actually earned. At least he has an arm around the old ball and chain which believe you me, could be a collector's item because he doesn't touch her much these days.

Mary has birthed the heir. To the heir. She has dug her nails into Frederik's hand as she counts to ten and pushes while two nurses who could be swimmers for the East German team hold those massive legs apart on the stirrups. She deserves to be center stage.

This is probably the nicest Christmas card this pair of assholes has managed to put together. There's Mary, with foundation extending about 7 1/2 inches above her epidermis, and wearing a jacket she didn't even know existed back in her lycra Oza days. Frederik looks reasonably sober and Ziggy the cat seems happy. Christian has the same expression he has now. Still, the grouping is harmonious and it is a nice card overall.

Mary is pregnant with IsNOTabella, but they choose a photo from earlier that year, when Christian turned 1.

Mary looks skinny, which is why this photo was chosen, Frederik looks mildly interested, and Christian looks like he's about to do a Humpty Dumpty. Considering this photo is part of a series that was released a couple of months before, it is a disappointment in the fact that 1) it's old, and 2) it's not holiday-ish at all.
But nothing could prepare us, not even the die-hard fangirls, for the atrocity that is the card from . . .

IsNOTabella has been hidden away for a couple of months in hopes of improving her Frederik-in-drag looks. Christian has been paraded before fresh kill in hopes of "stiffening his resolve" and since it worked, Steen replaces the little stuffed animal photographers usually wave at bored children, and waves a bit of bloody carcass instead.

It works!!!

With the depressing background of a construction-in-progress, here we have the 2007 Christmas Card from The Poser, The Drunk, The Clueless, and IsNOTabella. Mary is posing as much as she can without moving a facial muscle. Frederik is actually smiling, which is rare around Mary these days, Christian can't wait to get his hands on that bloody bit Steen's holding, and IsNOTabella is covered up as much as possible.

Either Marge's cut down poor Steen's budget after all the useless photoshoots he's already done of Mary, or 2008 is going to be a V. Interesting Year.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Get Out Now, Frederik !!!

The sad truth is, darling, your purpose has been served, and there is no need for you to suffer any more.

You married the gold-digging skank. She has borne you two children, meaning that she is going to make out like a bandit with her appanage. She is a celebrity. She is rich. She is famous. Her future is secured.

Get out, Frederik.

Even if you were kind of a loser to begin with, moping around like you have some Great Burden on your lazy shoulders, you're even worse now. This woman is draining all the joy and energy that you ever had. And no, staying together for the sake of the children is not good enough. It's not good for you, and it's not good for the children, because they can tell when everyone around them is unhappy. Mary is ALWAYS going to be unhappy because she will never be Good Enough. Don't you want your children to at least have ONE happy parent?

Get out, Frederik.

See honey, no one is blaming you. You were in the midst of this maelstrom of emotions, with the Olympics, and meeting this girl who appeared so exotic to you, and then the death of your dear grandmother, and this girl could relate since she'd also had a tragic loss not long ago. But that didn't mean you had to marry her, Frederik. Still, you've always been searching, haven't you? Funny thing is, you didn't cry then. You cry at the drop of a hat now. But then, during one of the saddest moments of your life, you didn't. Something to think about.

Whether it was that expedition to Greenland or being a Frogman, you've always searched for something other than your CP duties, chafing from under your mother's cold, hard grip. You were so happy then - well, until your mom showed up, but still, it was something that brought you joy.

No one will blame you for choosing the wrong person. Many people do. And no one will blame you for choosing to, finally, take a stand. You've never done it in your life, this can be the perfect time. Choose to end this farce of a marriage. Choose to look forward, instead of being stuck with someone who only cares about clothes and stilettos.

She couldn't be bothered to be there for you when you jammed along with the Led Zeppelin cover band, could she? You had so much fun and she just couldn't bother, but off she was to shop and see her Private Parts Doctor in London, the first chance she could, with the rest of the Eurotrash. She looks at you with disdain, and you know it.

You knew it at your engagement dinner, didn't you? You knew she was not the person you'd imagined her to be. And then many times, you've looked like you would rather be anywhere else in the world. And no one can blame you.

Divorce is not a scandal anymore. You deserve better than being stuck with this social climber for the rest of your life. You won't be cruel, she'll get everything she wants, money, fame, clothes, and you can find someone who will truly want the best for you and be your friend and partner.

Get out, Frederik, while there is still time.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Mary'd with Children

I've posted about how indifferent Mary seems to be to her own children, but how about other children? I mean, is this someone with a kind disposition towards those little ones who might not be well versed on what a Prada label means and what Chanel sunglasses represent? Granted, the children Mary is in contact with are children who are probably told to be on their best behavior, not do anything rude, etc. so let's take a look, shall we, at our pet's dealings with the youngest set.

Mary was a bridesmaid right before her own wedding - even though she is well aware that there are cameras around I don't see any warmth or even a hint of a faked smile when she talks to the little page boy or ring bearer or whatever it is little boys in tuxedoes do at weddings. Maybe he'd pissed on her shoe, who knows.

Here's the Kronprinsesse at an event for bullied chubby children, or something like that, and she is demonstrating how good a Tramp-o-liner she is. Oh come on, that was practically fed to me, all right? Get it? Fed, chubby . . . oh never mind!

Anyway, while everyone praised her to the skies for being so spontaneous and informal, may I point out that she's not actually connecting with any of the children there, she's just making sure all the cameras are on her.

Or maybe she's just a major bitch.

Anyway, that's all she wrote for today, darlings. Thank you for all the kind comments.