Friday, January 25, 2008

When there is no peril in the fight, there is no glory in the triumph

That is a quote by A. Alvarez that I found quite pertinent to the last barrage of shit coming from the Kronprinsparret PR office. Meaning, this appalling and unintentionally-hilarious set of photographs of Mary in combat gear.

While the Mary-creams-my-panties set gushes over how good Mary looks in this outfit and how they, too, would wear pearl earrings with their camo clothes (I believe it, considering how stupid they are), the ones of us with an actual brain mass can see that while the reign of the former PR boss could be labeled "too little, too late" this new boss's reign is already earning the title of "too much, too soon".

First of all, as insulting as it is to anyone who has ever served, to see a loser drunkard idiot, mumbling fool of a parasite like Frederik with all those medals on his chest, it is the last little bubbling fart to show us the useless and more-decrepit-every-day Mary, ready to "sacrifice herself for Denmark" or some rotting garbage like that.

Because any stupid bitch who is more interested in pursing her lips to make her cheeks look smaller is NOT someone I want in a position to fire a gun. Can you imagine? "Hey you, you're not doing the T with your feet properly - BOOM!"

And let's face it, this is all for posing, anyway. If Prince Harry of Wales, who wanted to badly to be deployed, wasn't because he was a security risk and a target because of what he is, we're never going to accept that Mary is ever going to be placed in any sub-atomic, minuscule moment of danger. The only danger Mary faces is her crumbling facade, and I don't mean just her face, because having trained her eyes to scan in different ways for cameras, she looks really, really freaky ;D

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Mary's Wedding

I remember watching the movie Muriel's Wedding when I was at a point in my life where it seemed I was surrounded by bitch coworkers who were all getting married. Two out of three are now divorced and another one is on her second baby daddy, but I digress.

It suddenly occurred to me that there are quite a few similarities between Muriel Heslop and Mary The Slob, down to their transformations. However, although Muriel seems to have grown by the end of the movie, Our Mary seems determined to remain as aloof and stupid as ever.

Let's look at a few plot points, shall we?

Muriel Heslop is a nobody from a middle class family in Porpoise Spit, Australia.
Mary Donaldson was a nobody from a middle class family in Hobart, Australia.

Muriel is a chubbette not good enough (or thin enough) to be in the cool girls' club.
Mary was a chubbette with bad taste in clothes and wasn't in the cool girls' club.

Muriel is arrested for shoplifting a dress.
Mary should be arrested for some of the dresses she wears.

Muriel leaves her family and goes to Sydney with her party girl friend Rhonda.
Mary left her family and went to Sydney with her party girl friend Amber.

Muriel ends up abandoning Rhonda when she suffers an accident and ends up paralyzed.
Mary is not much of a friend to Amber, whose chances at fame seem to be paralyzed.

Muriel transforms herself from a trashy clothes wearer to a more classy clothes wearer, but underneath she is the same person.
Mary transforms herself from a trashy clothes wearer to a more classy clothes wearer, but underneath she is the same old bitch.

Mary marries an Olympic swimmer babe.
Mary marries an Olympic committee wannabe who used to be a babe.

Muriel wants a grand wedding and marriage to a man who will give her a better life.
Mary got a grand wedding and marriage to a man who gave her a better life.

However, in the movie, Muriel ends up growing and maturing and realizes that an empty marriage does not for happiness make. Our Mary seems to have found happiness in her new clothes and servants and I doubt she would ever forsake her mediocre marriage if it means losing her newfound privileges.

Oh yeah, and Frederik has nowhere near the lickable body that Daniel Lapaine sports in the movie. He did once, but no more.

Friday, January 11, 2008

The (stray) lock, the witch and the wardrobe

So, what is it about our darling headcase that she just cannot seem to make anything work for her? Did the evil mother in law rush her out before the royal hairdresser could spray that rogue lock of hair into submission?

As for the outfit, well, it looks a lot like my Horchow curtains, except my curtains are lovely where they belong, and not worn as a dress with an ill-fitting jacket. What is it about the seamstresses who make things for Mary? The one who made that awful Uffe Frank creation that was the wedding gown couldn't manage to get it fitted properly, and this one from Heartmade makes a horrible sofa-cushion looking thing with a jacket that doesn't flatter Mary's masculine figure.

Then came the movie premiere, where Mary, once again unable to coordinate her separates, wears a bikey-punk leather cape thing with two cuff bracelets on one side (?) and shiny blue pants that remind me of the Crate and Barrel curtains in my first apartment. Her face, of course, is whiter than any of the Scandinavians around her.

Last, but not least, came the reception Mary held for her patronages, where she finally wore the jacket from Christian's christening with its God-given skirt, instead of the mismatched ugly floral print skirt, and the beige floral headpiece with the white piping on the jacket. This bitch must be color-blind. Of course, we couldn't have an entire outfit that works so she wore her umpteenth pair of nude pumps, which do not go with the fucking suit. But when people are staring at the uber-fake expression on her shiny face, they are probably not going to be looking at her shoes. And where are her tits?

Have a good weekend, my darlings, and remember, next week is yet more chances to see the parade of garbage that is Our Mary's life!!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

2008 starts with a purple reign

Oh, Mary, you are such a big fucking tragedy. You have the exquisite ruby parure at your disposal, and you choose to wear it with a purple cape and lavender sari fabric gown. Do you have shit for brains or what? Either that, or you're trying to start a local chapter of the Red Hat society, which has red and purple as its colors.

Oh no, wait!!!

I know!!!

You saw this Royal (get it, ROYAL, just like you, Mary!!!) Doulton figurine and decided that you must definitely have a dress just like it!

Which is kind of sad because off the shoulder gowns are just so 1987, but you're A Real Princess and I am sure such matters concern you not. Just like I am sure it doesn't concern you that your husband's eyes were redder than those rubies on your head. Was he up three times at night to feed the little butterball you have for a daughter? Better get her in corsets now, Mary, you know how husky your natural form is.

Or are you color blind, Mary? Because last time you paired lavender and gold with aquamarines. Crikey!!!

The Mary-Creams-My-Panties Society is all agog about the fact that you bought that fabric at a flea market in Tassie. Yay you! Maybe some of those idiots who buy Georg Jensen jewelry and Prada dresses instead of, oh, I don't know, saving for retirement or paying their kids' college funds, will now scour flea market fabric stalls to be Just Like You!!! I swear if you started posting pictures of your turds they would whip out the Canon Rebels and do the same!!! Isn't it lovely to have such brainless lemmings for fans?

No, no, no!!!

How could I have been so wrong???

I get it now.

You want to be Arwen Evenstar.

So cute!!! I mean, LOTR was filmed in New Zealand, close enough, right? Same hemisphory or whatever it's called.

Sadly, the LOTR madness is a few years gone, but at least it's better than skintight lycra and ugly shoes, like in those Starmakers shots.

And here I was afraid 2008 would be kinda boring, but no, Mary saved the day!!!