This week on the Bogan show

Freddy loses his wedding ring
Mary poses in combat gear . . . again
A new royal portrait is unveiled, to much, much acclaim

So, does this count as a "turning point" kind of week? Let's hope so, and let's hope that this week's news are just the beginning of The Incredibly Snobby Bogan's downfall.

Apparently, Prince Braindead lost his wedding ring while diving. Stories abound of Mary greatly saddened because this represented "their love" - ahem. Puh-leeze. You know she's about to pull a Diana and consult a psychic to see what this Really Means. Honey, I can tell you that for free. If he didn't care enough to take it off before diving - if that is, indeed, where he lost it - who can say how much it really means to him? Of course, he has a replacement one already, can't let him out without the reminder of his Worst Mistake Ever!


We are treated of this most awesome photograph of Mary The Fighting Princess, in full camo makeup - which is slightly less makeup than she wears daily - and STILL posing, her lips slightly parted and halfway to pursing.

What can I say? A bogan is a bogan is a bogan. And Mary will never stop being a bogan. Although that headgear is better than that awful purple hat she wore to the unveiling of her portrait. That thing needs to be burned, now.

Poor Caroline Heering should be given a raise for having to go along with this joke. And Per Thornit and Anja, aka, "The Most Useless Stylist in the World", need to be fired.

And now onto our next item:

Can you feel the veins on Mary's forehead swelling with righteous indignation? Can you hear her breathing . . . suddenly . . . stop upon seeing this glorious image? Can you feel her clenched man hands as she grabs the newspaper and throws it into the bin?

I can - and it's pretty!!!

Everything Mary has fought for, her carefully altered image, her stupidly gilded CV, her white skin, her new taste for Prada, everything she has done in the last 7 years is now GONE GONE GONE because this is the real Mary in that portrait. A vulgar chubbette who refuses to let go of her Aussie connections (i.e. Uggs) and despite her professed love of animals, uses them for decoration. I also love the depiction of Christian, looking as stupid as ever.

Here it is, Mary, your worst nightmare come to life. And you know what the worst part is?

That it was painted at all?
That it WON the prize?
That it has been printed in the Australian and Danish media?
No.

The worst part is that people get it. They laugh at it, and you, because it is the real you. Underneath the fake accent you are still that girl, and you always will be.

Now go cry in your Foster's.

Another trip to the Bogan Homeworld

After the May nuptials of Prince Joachim and Marie Cavallier, after which will follow much attention on the new Princess of Denmark, and after much publicized confirmation that no one in America gives a shit about who Mary is, as seen by the complete lack of US media coverage of the disastrous trip to New York, our Bogan Princess is headed to the place where about seventeen people still give a shit about her - Tasmania!!!

I understand, I mean, that's seventeen more than in America - and I'm not talking about drooling fangirls, I'm talking about the media, press, magazines, TV, none of which give a flying fuck about this chest-rubbing gold digger turned Prada Princess.

After the Olympics in Beijing, where the Stuttering Fool will attempt to make a statement with his presence (well, he sure can't make it with words because the moron can't even talk) about his suitability for an IOC post, he will join Mary and the two Future Emotional Wrecks, a.k.a. Christian and IsNOTabella, who will leave China and its even-more-difficult-than-Danish language in order to have a Private Vacation in Australia.

Let's take a tour down memory lane and see what happened the last time this self-centered cow went to Tasmania, shall we?


Mary happily waving at the Australian media, her best friends in the world, because they report every burp and fart of hers.


Mary stood by the house's GLASS WALLS until a reporter came up and of course, Mary felt dutifully obliged to answer. God forbid she do something as rude as she did at the Melbourne Cup, when she was still the "girlfriend" - as I recall, a reporter asked her who made her dress and she said, "a Danish designer"; when asked which designer, she snapped, "just write it's a Danish designer, ok?" Filthy rude bitch, what a big fucking sense of entitlement she took on, didn't she?


Appeared decked out in her celeb-gear - full makeup, Marianne Dulong jewelry, huge attention-whore sunglasses, and celeb-accessory Christian - to go to Salamanca place, which had more people per square foot than anywhere else, so Mary was guaranteed tons of people whipping out their camera phones to take photos of the "Aussie Princess".

She checked out the stalls, making sure to take her time and let everyone tell anyone who hadn't heard, that "Our Mary" was doing shopping here!!!

Of course, the news was "leaked" on danish tabloids NOW, i.e. months before, because lord forbid Mary go anywhere without everyone being alerted. Many royals manage truly private vacations and while they do speak to the press like Mary & co. did at the zoo, they mean it when they travel privately. The press is not alerted, they do not pose in front of glass walls, and they do not go to the most crowded open air shopping area in the state.

With the Danish media being critical of Mary's spending, lack of Danish skills, and purpose, and more and more people in Australia being sick and tired of being force-fed stories about Mary, I look forward to this trip in August. I forecast lots of attention whoring opportunities and much bogan posing.

You go, Mads!

It's proof - as if we needed any more proof, but hey, Mary keeps handing it to us, right? - that Mary blabbed a lot of bullshit in her early interviews that about modernizing the monarchy, as seen in one very telling episode just a few days ago.

While receiving Mads and Marie in the spirit of her Rare Diagnosis charity, it was revealed that Mary's staff had instructed the children as to how to behave in Her Regal Boganness's presence and to address her as Your Royal Highness.

What a fucking bitch. To have the balls to tell these kids, who have more dignity and grace in their little fingers than Mary will ever have draped in diamonds, that they need to address her a certain way, is not only arrogant but defies the whole "modernizing the monarchy" comment. I am sure the kids know she's a fucking Princess, did they really need to be told how to behave?

I find this latest stunt disgusting, and it brings back memories of the much-maligned but will-never-be-equaled Diana. Say what you will about her temperament, media whoring, etc. but Diana had a gift for people, making them at ease and concentrating on them as if nothing else existed, that this piece of shit Tassie sack of garbage never will.

Shame on you, Mary, shame on you for being such an insecure snob. Shame on you for demanding the privileges of your position, which should be gracefully ignored in the face of such poise and sweetness as being in the presence of these two children.

Thankfully, the litle boy, Mads, got his own when Mary asked him, of all fucking things this bitch could ask him, what he thought she looked like.

His response?

"Ordinary."

Yes, Mary, even a blind child can see that you are an ordinary woman. Draped in Prada you may be, but your faults are shouted to the world by your every move and every word.

Fire Anja!

This week our intrepid Bogan Princess coordinates - I use the term loosely because this bitch couldn't put clothes together if her life depended on it - a feather/fur atrocity along with a horrible and not flattering sleeveless silk turtleneck scarf something or other, and attempts to make an outfit with greys, blues, browns, taupes, and just about every other color that crosses her bogan eyes.

But hey, the top is Prada so it's got to be flattering, right? Label whore Mary doesn't get that sleeveless on her pre-op transsexual physique is not a good thing. And before you, dear readers, get all liberal on me, let me state that one of my dearest and nearest is a pre-op transsexual and she is the first person to agree with me that Mary Just Doesn't Get It!!! We're not voting for McCain on this blog, I'm just illustrating a point. If Mary would only spend one hour with my dear friend, she would learn some wonderful makeup and fashion tips that would serve her for the rest of her royal life. But my friend's too good for Mary, so nyah.


Mary needs to learn to KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid. She is wearing a charcoal grey coat, ugly shiny blue slacks, the same from that movie methinks, with this Prada shirt from her visit to the EU, which would be lovely on a dainty lass like me, who doesn't have the shoulders of a linebacker. But on Mary, let's just say, that it gives creedence to those rumours about the men of the DRF having rather "out there" tastes. You'd think Mary would choose one of the main colors, i.e. grey or blue, for her leatherwear (purse and shoes) but no. Our dear bogan imbecile chooses a reddish brown pair of size 9 shoes and a taupe-ish bag. And while, granted, the Prada top has some brown in it, it's far enough away to be completely pointless.

Furthermore, the feather laden coat AND the scarf ties are too much together. Whoever put this craptastic outfit together needs to be fired. If it was the much ballyhooed Anja, stylist extraordinaire who always looks like she's constipated, she needs to be sent packing NOW. And hey, if it's Mary, well, a ticket back to Tassie seems compensation enough for all the damage this moron has done to my sensitive and fashion-discerning eyes.

Happy Leap Year! Here's to hoping Mary's not around by the next one!!!

Yet Another Failed Photoshoot

This has been quite a week for Mary, who started out in a horrifically mismatched outfit that even the brain-damaged sugarboarders couldn't love. This is proof of how a perfectly nice dress, like the navy blue velvet here, is completely wrecked by Mary/her stylist - the stupid capelet, the semiprecious gemstone necklace along with the society matron diamond earrings, and the harsh, harsh makeup with the 80s Texas socialite hairdo. Man, where to begin?


Then we move on to one of the most contrived photosessions in history, and considering this is Mary we're talking about, that's saying a lot. Her BFFs Mads and Marie, the little girl who so horrified Mary that she stood a full five feet away last time, visit Mary at Amalienborg. "Damn, now they know where I live!" Mary thinks. Aw, here is Mary the moral support icon, dressed to the nines and coiffed to perfection to hang out with her BFFs. Well, considering that Amber is bogan-non-grata and no one else likes Mary, these two kids may be Mary's only friends. And hey, they can't go anywhere, so they're kind of stuck aren't they?


Last but not least, we have the photosession in Verbier, with Christian the Severely Manic Snowball Thrower and IsNOTabella the Ugly Pudding that Gets Passed Around. Mary can't understand what Frederik says and he has to translate for her. Then again, Mary's people go around telling those she is going to meet to not make any off-the-cuff or slang-type comments because the Kronprinsesse doesn't understand Danish well enough to understand anything but the basics. Like, Ja and Mor, I am guessing. And Kroner, I am sure she understands that one. Mary looks completely disconnected from her children, and IsNOTabella, whom Mary declared quite the feisty little girl in the infamous December photosession of love, looked like a complete zero, personality wise. Meaning Mother Icon Mary doesn't even know her own children. She sure can't deal with Christian, who nearly goes off a fucking cliff while Mummy poses in the snow. "Unusually mild baby" my ass, Christian has some developmental shit going on and he could be the next Christian VII, unless Far beats him to it.


Also, let's note a bitchy little comment from Mary when Frederik says he's going to be 40 but is in good shape. "Are you sure about that?" says his devoted wife. Whoa. Just look at how she is looking down at him here. Just remember, Mary, if it weren't for him you'd still be doing lateral career moves and wearing ugly shoes and lycra, you stupid bitch.

From the expert's mouth

A good friend of mine is quite prominent in her (medical) field and she mentioned meeting up with a former colleague from school who is an expert on body language. Hmmm, I thought, might I be able to give her some photos for him to give me a quick evaluation on? Neither she nor he are into royalty, by the way, so neither knew who these people were. Furthermore, he doesn't know who I am or anything about this blog so there were no preconceived notions, as it should be.


The first overwhelming response this man got from the photos was, as many of us without a PhD after our name have already concluded, that Frederik is not happy. Even the smiles are not full on and are a mask for disappointment, frustration, and that general feeling many married people have of "I'll just put up with it, might as well, I'm married." Definitely not someone who is with someone he considers a partner. He is happier when it comes to his children, but even they can't make up for the sadness that is in him.


Another remark he made that goes along with the feelings I have expressed in this post and comments that you, my lovely readers, have made, is that Mary loves the spotlight. She has gotten what she wants but has started to find it lacking, although she loves showing off what she has gotten, i.e. the husband, in the photos where she is looking at him in a faux-adoring way; the children, although she can't quite mask that they are a disappointment to her but she will use them to garner attention; her things, she wears things to show them off and show that she has them, he doesn't know anything about fashion labels on what she's wearing but the way she poses is much like a model whose job is to show the clothes. She wishes she could "make" her husband do things, this is what he got from the shots of them alone in the woods, she keeps trying to force him to pose with her and that reflects on her relationship with him. He tries to make her happy but doesn't know how (because he doesn't know her that well after all this time? Just a thought.) and is frustrated at himself.


Regarding the children, he said that Mary is the dominant person in that family and the other three (Fred and the kids) kind of cower together, he can see them three bonding as her disappointment with each of them grows and her life begins to lose its luster, and then she might find she is alone in her family because she has alienated her husband and children.

Anyway, that's what I got. Of course, being the idiot that I am I forgot to include a wedding photo but I think that might have made it too easy for him :D

Compare and contrast

You know those awful assignments in school where you had to compare and contrast foreign policies or presidential records or some other nonsense that no one ever had to know about once you left your alma mater?

Well, the good news is, you don't have to do that here! The better news is, comparing and contrasting Mary to the other Crown Princesses is ridiculously easy, just like Mary was once she saw the Black Amex.

I'm restricting this to the current crop of Crown Princesses, commoners who have married heirs to thrones, and to those who are in Mary's age range. And I am not using proper titles but come on, this is NOT a test!


Mathilde of Belgium - Let's just call her St. Mathilde and be done with it. Mathilde has a sweetness that almost makes you blind to the horrific outfits she sometimes wears. Almost. She tends to like loud prints sometimes but she has managed something truly important - to make her husband, previously seen as a dull bore, seem more human and warm. She keeps giving birth to sweet-looking children who seem happy in their environment, with their parents and with one another.


Maxima of the Netherlands - Another one who injected life into her husband. He's still a bit of a prick, mouthing off at the press, but Maxima's contributions to the Dutch royal house is undeniable. She has an excellent relationship with her mother-in-law and with her sister-in-law Laurentien. Her fashion sense is rather out there but she has the personality to carry off most things she wears. She is warm, enthusiastic, and has embraced her new country, speaking in good Dutch at her engagement interview and mastering the language enough to be comfortable speaking of complicated subjects. Her focus on microcredit is reinforced by her background in finance, this is no Princess shooting in the dark to make herself have substance, she knows what she's talking about.


Mette-Marit of Norway - The most unlikely of Princesses and the one who has been blamed for "lowering the bar" of royal marriages. A former drug-addict with an out-of-wedlock son, Mette-Marit has chosen to be the support behind her prince and usually slumps in the background, but she has focused on lending her support to the AIDS cause. Her fashion sense is usually mediocre, and she has not bothered to lose the weight of her last two pregnancies. She seems to revel in her husband (who wouldn't?) and children.


Letizia of Spain - The former newsreader is, like Mary, a mother of two children and married in May of 2004. Letizia rose to the top of her profession and was an accomplished career woman before marrying Felipe, and although she has been kept in the back burner for a while, she has started carrying on official duties with warmth and compassion. She hasn't yet found her style, looking at times extremely matronly and seems to be addicted to black tights.

And last, but not least, given she is the reason for this blog --


Mary of Denmark - Mary lacks the kindness that oozes out of Mathilde, the personality and vibrancy in Maxima, the humility in Mette-Marit, and the smarts in Letizia. Her only focus seems to be fashion, which fares poorly compared to microcredit or AIDS, and she lacks even the pretense of warmth, even around her husband and children. She has a cold relationship with her in-laws and even within her own birth family has been getting the evil eye, her own brother wondered aloud where she had gotten that new posh-British accent she affects lately when speaking in English. She has not mastered Danish, no matter what the sugarboarders may say, and has succeeded in plunging her husband into lower depths of despair and depression - instead of making him a better man, she has made him even more insecure and he looks forward to the days he gets to go sailing or otherwise gets to spend away from Mary. Her children are awkward creatures who sense how little they matter to their mother - they know that she gets far more excited with a new Chanel bag than with their accomplishments. She is a failure on every front and the complete lack of substance is evident every time she steps out for an engagement or opens her mouth.


In this election year, I wish I could vote for Mary to be sent back to Australia. That's what they used to do with consorts that didn't measure up, sent them back to their country of birth. Since Mary has failed to modernize the monarchy as she preached in one of her stupid interviews, I suggest Queen Margrethe uses the opportunity to do as her ancestors did and get rid of this useless woman. Set her up in a nice house in Oz where she can be the celebrity she's always wanted to be, give her a clothing allowance and chances to visit her children, and be done with her.

It is what is best for the DRF, for Crown Prince Frederik, and for those two (three?) children.

And yes, for all of you wondering, I have it from an inside source that Mary did have a nose job.