Fire Anja!

This week our intrepid Bogan Princess coordinates - I use the term loosely because this bitch couldn't put clothes together if her life depended on it - a feather/fur atrocity along with a horrible and not flattering sleeveless silk turtleneck scarf something or other, and attempts to make an outfit with greys, blues, browns, taupes, and just about every other color that crosses her bogan eyes.

But hey, the top is Prada so it's got to be flattering, right? Label whore Mary doesn't get that sleeveless on her pre-op transsexual physique is not a good thing. And before you, dear readers, get all liberal on me, let me state that one of my dearest and nearest is a pre-op transsexual and she is the first person to agree with me that Mary Just Doesn't Get It!!! We're not voting for McCain on this blog, I'm just illustrating a point. If Mary would only spend one hour with my dear friend, she would learn some wonderful makeup and fashion tips that would serve her for the rest of her royal life. But my friend's too good for Mary, so nyah.


Mary needs to learn to KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid. She is wearing a charcoal grey coat, ugly shiny blue slacks, the same from that movie methinks, with this Prada shirt from her visit to the EU, which would be lovely on a dainty lass like me, who doesn't have the shoulders of a linebacker. But on Mary, let's just say, that it gives creedence to those rumours about the men of the DRF having rather "out there" tastes. You'd think Mary would choose one of the main colors, i.e. grey or blue, for her leatherwear (purse and shoes) but no. Our dear bogan imbecile chooses a reddish brown pair of size 9 shoes and a taupe-ish bag. And while, granted, the Prada top has some brown in it, it's far enough away to be completely pointless.

Furthermore, the feather laden coat AND the scarf ties are too much together. Whoever put this craptastic outfit together needs to be fired. If it was the much ballyhooed Anja, stylist extraordinaire who always looks like she's constipated, she needs to be sent packing NOW. And hey, if it's Mary, well, a ticket back to Tassie seems compensation enough for all the damage this moron has done to my sensitive and fashion-discerning eyes.

Happy Leap Year! Here's to hoping Mary's not around by the next one!!!

Yet Another Failed Photoshoot

This has been quite a week for Mary, who started out in a horrifically mismatched outfit that even the brain-damaged sugarboarders couldn't love. This is proof of how a perfectly nice dress, like the navy blue velvet here, is completely wrecked by Mary/her stylist - the stupid capelet, the semiprecious gemstone necklace along with the society matron diamond earrings, and the harsh, harsh makeup with the 80s Texas socialite hairdo. Man, where to begin?


Then we move on to one of the most contrived photosessions in history, and considering this is Mary we're talking about, that's saying a lot. Her BFFs Mads and Marie, the little girl who so horrified Mary that she stood a full five feet away last time, visit Mary at Amalienborg. "Damn, now they know where I live!" Mary thinks. Aw, here is Mary the moral support icon, dressed to the nines and coiffed to perfection to hang out with her BFFs. Well, considering that Amber is bogan-non-grata and no one else likes Mary, these two kids may be Mary's only friends. And hey, they can't go anywhere, so they're kind of stuck aren't they?


Last but not least, we have the photosession in Verbier, with Christian the Severely Manic Snowball Thrower and IsNOTabella the Ugly Pudding that Gets Passed Around. Mary can't understand what Frederik says and he has to translate for her. Then again, Mary's people go around telling those she is going to meet to not make any off-the-cuff or slang-type comments because the Kronprinsesse doesn't understand Danish well enough to understand anything but the basics. Like, Ja and Mor, I am guessing. And Kroner, I am sure she understands that one. Mary looks completely disconnected from her children, and IsNOTabella, whom Mary declared quite the feisty little girl in the infamous December photosession of love, looked like a complete zero, personality wise. Meaning Mother Icon Mary doesn't even know her own children. She sure can't deal with Christian, who nearly goes off a fucking cliff while Mummy poses in the snow. "Unusually mild baby" my ass, Christian has some developmental shit going on and he could be the next Christian VII, unless Far beats him to it.


Also, let's note a bitchy little comment from Mary when Frederik says he's going to be 40 but is in good shape. "Are you sure about that?" says his devoted wife. Whoa. Just look at how she is looking down at him here. Just remember, Mary, if it weren't for him you'd still be doing lateral career moves and wearing ugly shoes and lycra, you stupid bitch.

From the expert's mouth

A good friend of mine is quite prominent in her (medical) field and she mentioned meeting up with a former colleague from school who is an expert on body language. Hmmm, I thought, might I be able to give her some photos for him to give me a quick evaluation on? Neither she nor he are into royalty, by the way, so neither knew who these people were. Furthermore, he doesn't know who I am or anything about this blog so there were no preconceived notions, as it should be.


The first overwhelming response this man got from the photos was, as many of us without a PhD after our name have already concluded, that Frederik is not happy. Even the smiles are not full on and are a mask for disappointment, frustration, and that general feeling many married people have of "I'll just put up with it, might as well, I'm married." Definitely not someone who is with someone he considers a partner. He is happier when it comes to his children, but even they can't make up for the sadness that is in him.


Another remark he made that goes along with the feelings I have expressed in this post and comments that you, my lovely readers, have made, is that Mary loves the spotlight. She has gotten what she wants but has started to find it lacking, although she loves showing off what she has gotten, i.e. the husband, in the photos where she is looking at him in a faux-adoring way; the children, although she can't quite mask that they are a disappointment to her but she will use them to garner attention; her things, she wears things to show them off and show that she has them, he doesn't know anything about fashion labels on what she's wearing but the way she poses is much like a model whose job is to show the clothes. She wishes she could "make" her husband do things, this is what he got from the shots of them alone in the woods, she keeps trying to force him to pose with her and that reflects on her relationship with him. He tries to make her happy but doesn't know how (because he doesn't know her that well after all this time? Just a thought.) and is frustrated at himself.


Regarding the children, he said that Mary is the dominant person in that family and the other three (Fred and the kids) kind of cower together, he can see them three bonding as her disappointment with each of them grows and her life begins to lose its luster, and then she might find she is alone in her family because she has alienated her husband and children.

Anyway, that's what I got. Of course, being the idiot that I am I forgot to include a wedding photo but I think that might have made it too easy for him :D

Compare and contrast

You know those awful assignments in school where you had to compare and contrast foreign policies or presidential records or some other nonsense that no one ever had to know about once you left your alma mater?

Well, the good news is, you don't have to do that here! The better news is, comparing and contrasting Mary to the other Crown Princesses is ridiculously easy, just like Mary was once she saw the Black Amex.

I'm restricting this to the current crop of Crown Princesses, commoners who have married heirs to thrones, and to those who are in Mary's age range. And I am not using proper titles but come on, this is NOT a test!


Mathilde of Belgium - Let's just call her St. Mathilde and be done with it. Mathilde has a sweetness that almost makes you blind to the horrific outfits she sometimes wears. Almost. She tends to like loud prints sometimes but she has managed something truly important - to make her husband, previously seen as a dull bore, seem more human and warm. She keeps giving birth to sweet-looking children who seem happy in their environment, with their parents and with one another.


Maxima of the Netherlands - Another one who injected life into her husband. He's still a bit of a prick, mouthing off at the press, but Maxima's contributions to the Dutch royal house is undeniable. She has an excellent relationship with her mother-in-law and with her sister-in-law Laurentien. Her fashion sense is rather out there but she has the personality to carry off most things she wears. She is warm, enthusiastic, and has embraced her new country, speaking in good Dutch at her engagement interview and mastering the language enough to be comfortable speaking of complicated subjects. Her focus on microcredit is reinforced by her background in finance, this is no Princess shooting in the dark to make herself have substance, she knows what she's talking about.


Mette-Marit of Norway - The most unlikely of Princesses and the one who has been blamed for "lowering the bar" of royal marriages. A former drug-addict with an out-of-wedlock son, Mette-Marit has chosen to be the support behind her prince and usually slumps in the background, but she has focused on lending her support to the AIDS cause. Her fashion sense is usually mediocre, and she has not bothered to lose the weight of her last two pregnancies. She seems to revel in her husband (who wouldn't?) and children.


Letizia of Spain - The former newsreader is, like Mary, a mother of two children and married in May of 2004. Letizia rose to the top of her profession and was an accomplished career woman before marrying Felipe, and although she has been kept in the back burner for a while, she has started carrying on official duties with warmth and compassion. She hasn't yet found her style, looking at times extremely matronly and seems to be addicted to black tights.

And last, but not least, given she is the reason for this blog --


Mary of Denmark - Mary lacks the kindness that oozes out of Mathilde, the personality and vibrancy in Maxima, the humility in Mette-Marit, and the smarts in Letizia. Her only focus seems to be fashion, which fares poorly compared to microcredit or AIDS, and she lacks even the pretense of warmth, even around her husband and children. She has a cold relationship with her in-laws and even within her own birth family has been getting the evil eye, her own brother wondered aloud where she had gotten that new posh-British accent she affects lately when speaking in English. She has not mastered Danish, no matter what the sugarboarders may say, and has succeeded in plunging her husband into lower depths of despair and depression - instead of making him a better man, she has made him even more insecure and he looks forward to the days he gets to go sailing or otherwise gets to spend away from Mary. Her children are awkward creatures who sense how little they matter to their mother - they know that she gets far more excited with a new Chanel bag than with their accomplishments. She is a failure on every front and the complete lack of substance is evident every time she steps out for an engagement or opens her mouth.


In this election year, I wish I could vote for Mary to be sent back to Australia. That's what they used to do with consorts that didn't measure up, sent them back to their country of birth. Since Mary has failed to modernize the monarchy as she preached in one of her stupid interviews, I suggest Queen Margrethe uses the opportunity to do as her ancestors did and get rid of this useless woman. Set her up in a nice house in Oz where she can be the celebrity she's always wanted to be, give her a clothing allowance and chances to visit her children, and be done with her.

It is what is best for the DRF, for Crown Prince Frederik, and for those two (three?) children.

And yes, for all of you wondering, I have it from an inside source that Mary did have a nose job.

When there is no peril in the fight, there is no glory in the triumph

That is a quote by A. Alvarez that I found quite pertinent to the last barrage of shit coming from the Kronprinsparret PR office. Meaning, this appalling and unintentionally-hilarious set of photographs of Mary in combat gear.


While the Mary-creams-my-panties set gushes over how good Mary looks in this outfit and how they, too, would wear pearl earrings with their camo clothes (I believe it, considering how stupid they are), the ones of us with an actual brain mass can see that while the reign of the former PR boss could be labeled "too little, too late" this new boss's reign is already earning the title of "too much, too soon".

First of all, as insulting as it is to anyone who has ever served, to see a loser drunkard idiot, mumbling fool of a parasite like Frederik with all those medals on his chest, it is the last little bubbling fart to show us the useless and more-decrepit-every-day Mary, ready to "sacrifice herself for Denmark" or some rotting garbage like that.


Because any stupid bitch who is more interested in pursing her lips to make her cheeks look smaller is NOT someone I want in a position to fire a gun. Can you imagine? "Hey you, you're not doing the T with your feet properly - BOOM!"

And let's face it, this is all for posing, anyway. If Prince Harry of Wales, who wanted to badly to be deployed, wasn't because he was a security risk and a target because of what he is, we're never going to accept that Mary is ever going to be placed in any sub-atomic, minuscule moment of danger. The only danger Mary faces is her crumbling facade, and I don't mean just her face, because having trained her eyes to scan in different ways for cameras, she looks really, really freaky ;D

Mary's Wedding

I remember watching the movie Muriel's Wedding when I was at a point in my life where it seemed I was surrounded by bitch coworkers who were all getting married. Two out of three are now divorced and another one is on her second baby daddy, but I digress.

It suddenly occurred to me that there are quite a few similarities between Muriel Heslop and Mary The Slob, down to their transformations. However, although Muriel seems to have grown by the end of the movie, Our Mary seems determined to remain as aloof and stupid as ever.

Let's look at a few plot points, shall we?

Muriel Heslop is a nobody from a middle class family in Porpoise Spit, Australia.
Mary Donaldson was a nobody from a middle class family in Hobart, Australia.

Muriel is a chubbette not good enough (or thin enough) to be in the cool girls' club.
Mary was a chubbette with bad taste in clothes and wasn't in the cool girls' club.

Muriel is arrested for shoplifting a dress.
Mary should be arrested for some of the dresses she wears.


Muriel leaves her family and goes to Sydney with her party girl friend Rhonda.
Mary left her family and went to Sydney with her party girl friend Amber.

Muriel ends up abandoning Rhonda when she suffers an accident and ends up paralyzed.
Mary is not much of a friend to Amber, whose chances at fame seem to be paralyzed.

Muriel transforms herself from a trashy clothes wearer to a more classy clothes wearer, but underneath she is the same person.
Mary transforms herself from a trashy clothes wearer to a more classy clothes wearer, but underneath she is the same old bitch.

Mary marries an Olympic swimmer babe.
Mary marries an Olympic committee wannabe who used to be a babe.


Muriel wants a grand wedding and marriage to a man who will give her a better life.
Mary got a grand wedding and marriage to a man who gave her a better life.

However, in the movie, Muriel ends up growing and maturing and realizes that an empty marriage does not for happiness make. Our Mary seems to have found happiness in her new clothes and servants and I doubt she would ever forsake her mediocre marriage if it means losing her newfound privileges.

Oh yeah, and Frederik has nowhere near the lickable body that Daniel Lapaine sports in the movie. He did once, but no more.

The (stray) lock, the witch and the wardrobe

So, what is it about our darling headcase that she just cannot seem to make anything work for her? Did the evil mother in law rush her out before the royal hairdresser could spray that rogue lock of hair into submission?

As for the outfit, well, it looks a lot like my Horchow curtains, except my curtains are lovely where they belong, and not worn as a dress with an ill-fitting jacket. What is it about the seamstresses who make things for Mary? The one who made that awful Uffe Frank creation that was the wedding gown couldn't manage to get it fitted properly, and this one from Heartmade makes a horrible sofa-cushion looking thing with a jacket that doesn't flatter Mary's masculine figure.


Then came the movie premiere, where Mary, once again unable to coordinate her separates, wears a bikey-punk leather cape thing with two cuff bracelets on one side (?) and shiny blue pants that remind me of the Crate and Barrel curtains in my first apartment. Her face, of course, is whiter than any of the Scandinavians around her.


Last, but not least, came the reception Mary held for her patronages, where she finally wore the jacket from Christian's christening with its God-given skirt, instead of the mismatched ugly floral print skirt, and the beige floral headpiece with the white piping on the jacket. This bitch must be color-blind. Of course, we couldn't have an entire outfit that works so she wore her umpteenth pair of nude pumps, which do not go with the fucking suit. But when people are staring at the uber-fake expression on her shiny face, they are probably not going to be looking at her shoes. And where are her tits?

Have a good weekend, my darlings, and remember, next week is yet more chances to see the parade of garbage that is Our Mary's life!!!