Top Five (which would be Worst Five for her) Mary Moments of 2007

1 – That Haircut. Simply atrocious. Considering that the very next day she had it re-cut, and has been growing it out since then, you can tell she regretted it the second the shears hit the royal hair. Allegedly it was done to present a more mature Mary, to be taken more seriously. However, that is better done with deeds rather than haircuts. She did make up for it with her recent bangs, but the unbelievably self-centered naming of the Mary Foundation definitely does not make up for Mary’s lack of substance.


2 – The much ballyhooed trip to New York. Oooh, a red carpet!!! (um, they brought it themselves) Oooh, the reporters!!! (all Danish and Australians, the Americans couldn’t have cared less) Oooh, the clothes!!! Ok, the clothes. A horrific mishmash of attempted daring, and boring beiges. The only moment Mary looked half decent was in the black dress and updo on their last day. Even during the gala event in her silver skirt, she looked incredibly self-conscious. I’m sure she wished Frederik would hold her hand, but sadly, she should have thought of that when she was trying to snare him. Instead, she just went for the Black Amex, and that’s exactly what she’s gotten. Almost as much fun was the trip to Romania, where Mary spent a lot of time waving at children who didn’t give a shit who she was.


3 – Isabella’s christening. What can I say. Lots, goodie!!! A shabby (as royal ceremonies go) little service with Mary clearly ignoring her screaming annoyance of a child throughout, and not paying any attention to anything the bishop said. Then an allegedly casual barbecue and pool party – what the fuck? Is this a royal christening or Uncle Billy Bob’s shindig down at the farm? Do we have Freddy smashing beer cans on his forehead, too? Not to mention Mary’s ugly, boring, ill fitting dress and recycled vomitorium of a headdress. The fact that Mary was seen jogging the day before confirms my assertion that the dress was made a wee bit too small for the lass, who was spared from ripping her seams because God does, after all, have pity for us all, sinners and useless bogans alike. Mary had on enough makeup to cover up Maxima’s bad skin, not a small feat there, and made sure her neckline was low enough to show the lactating boobies, just like she did at her firstborn’s christening.


4 – The Interview on Berlingske Tidende – Oh. My. God. What a mess. Sure, it was a response to the many complaints about the Royal Pair-a-sites not giving interviews to the Danish media while freely giving interview to the Australian media (i.e. Vogue spread, Andrew Denton, bla bla bla), and why is Isabella being hidden, bla bla bla. However, they didn’t know where to stop, which is the mistake most thieves and conmen make. Not knowing when to stop. There is a reason why Mary and Fred shouldn’t do interviews – they’re a pair of idiots. The enormous hollow space between their collective ears is the reason why they haven’t given interviews in Denmark. In Australia, sure, back when Mary was still revered as “Our Mary” the Vogue issue was a bestseller and Andrew Denton got some ratings even though he himself said it was his worst interview ever, and why was Mary NOT wearing Danish fashion in the Vogue issue???

But I digress. The interview failed when they decided to do a spread to Show The World Their Love. Much like Britney and K-Fed’s TV failure, Chaotic, this was a completely unconvincing show of forced looks and smiles, and fake-tender affection that has not fooled anyone except those that are already fools, i.e. the Mary fangirls, you know, the girls who like to pretend Starmakers never happened.

The interview itself is a joke, with vague answers from this pair of losers – the interview has even been blasted in the same paper it was published. Oy!!! That’s gotta hurt. Or maybe not. As long as Mary keeps getting her Prada and Chanel and Hugo Boss, she probably doesn’t give a rat’s ass.

So, good intentions from the new PR person, but I guess she didn’t know what a ball of fetid shit she has for clients.


5 – This outfit. Holy fucking matron, Batman! What the flying fuck happened here??? What is this? Was she applying for What Not to Wear, Ever, Even if The Alternative is Going Naked in Denmark in January??

The headband with the nasty little flyaways, ever heard of gel, Mary? Tame those nasties!!! Even Hillary did away with her headbands, for God’s sakes. The floral print coat, which looked like curtains in a Victorian parlor. The cobalt blue dress underneath, which had nothing to do with the print on the coat or the headband. And last, but not least, Mary’s signature, the nude pumps. Repeat with me, Mary, nude doesn’t mean it goes with everything!!! Grey pumps would have been much better. This is typical of the Mary style – a complete mish-mash of things that could work best if only someone with a brain would pair them with something else.

I am sure I will have a similarly enjoyable list in 2008, because if Mary can be counted on for something, it is for her ability to do and say stupid things to make us laugh.

Come ON!!!

The Mary-can't-do-no-wrong camp is currently rinsing out their panties after seeing all the lovey-dovey photos recently released by the CP family. I must say that their new PR person is certainly giving it a go. After much criticism of how they will give interviews to the Australian press (because Mary can't speak Danish well) and how they did not release photos of Christian for his second birthday, seems like Mary and Fred, our favorite lazy-good-for-nothings, took a day out of their Very Busy (ahem) Schedule to take photos galore and give a totally retarded interview that I am sure makes Miss PR wish they'd kept their fucking mouths shut.

This photoshoot, or rather, these photoshoots, as there were two photographers doing two separate shoots, are complete failures. The Happy Holidays Danish Family Catalog, I mean, images, are so incredibly forced, considering how many times we have seen Mary completely ignore her children in order to hog the camera.


Take this photo. Fred looks clueless, Christian looks weird, as usual, IsNOTabella looks like she has no personality, despite all the bullshit about her being so feisty, and Mary, well, Mary looks happy because she has found a reflective surface, so as long as she's looking at herself, who cares, right? Barf city.


Speaking of barf, I think we're starting with the self-image issues a little young, aren't we? Why is Mary fattening up IsNOTabella like that? I mean, she could roll that baby girl down the hill and no one would know the difference. Considering that Mor Dearest made a point of losing 30 lbs. in order to fit into her own idea of what a Proper Icon is, I can already see the seeds of some serious Mommy-induced image issues for poor IsNOTabella. And also, as I've said, she is definitely NOT a bella so that's two strikes right there.


More PR bullshit. IsNOTabella is so feisty, she is so happy and then so angry, and then you can't resist her if she smiles, says Mary.
Um, no, no, and yeah I can definitely resist this blank-eyed michelin baby.


I dare anyone to think Mary is not posing here. Give me a fucking break. Family, my ass, all she gives a shit about is whether her bangs and highlights look ok.

Let's move on to the J Crew catalog knockoff that's the pictures of Fred and Mary, lovingly looking into each other's eyes. Yeah. 'cause I really believe it.


WTF is this? Looking towards what? Their future? Their loving, besotted, devoted future, sharing each other's virtues and faults, wondering what lays ahead for their children? Give me a fucking break. Frederik can only look forward to more drinking and sailing, to get away from the robot he married, and Mary can only look forward to her next pregnancy and then losing the weight really quickly so she can fit into the next Malene Birger collection. Not to mention getting the next Marianne Dulong pieces so she can wear then Every. Fucking. Day.


All I can say is, who the fuck styles Mary? Because, given that Frederik is all boyish looking, she looks old enough to be his mother here. The pose where a woman's head is hanging over is NEVER FLATTERING. Remember that, Mary, next time you decide to be on top. Every crag and bulge on your white face becomes more prominent, and if you leave the lights on, Fred might wonder if some nasty old banshee's ghost is riding him.
The severe makeup. The butt ugly cap. The buckles on the sleeves and neck of that coat. Sheesh. You into buckles, Mary?


Fake like Pam Anderson's tits. Fake like Jocelyn Wildenstein's face. Fake like Gucci bags sold at someone's home party.

While the Mary fangirls go looking for new, dry panties to wear, the rest of us who are not so easily convinced realize that this circus was a response to the criticism in the Danish media, and to Trine Villemann's book, not to mention the rampant criticism on other media out there. So what do we say, girls, a let's-save-the-marriage pregnancy in 2008? Or a divorce before Freddy is too old to snag someone else?

The only thing that comes to mind when I look at these stupid photos of Mary and Fred are those herpes medicine commercials, where couples embrace languidly and smile for no reason.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Ok, what the fuck is up with the Christmas cards from Mary & co.? This latest one is baffling in its complete un-holiday-ness. Let's have a little looky-look through the Christmas cards of this ship of fools, shall we?

2004
Oh, 2004, back when Frederik hadn't yet discovered what a piece of work his wife was. The year of the wedding. The year of romance. The year of going around Denmark and lots of public kissy-poo. And what do we get from this pair of freaks?

Mary wearing the most unflattering leggings known to womankind - yeah, I know it's the national costume of the Faroes, or wherever the fuck people willingly dress like that. Anyway, Mary is more of the ole testosterone turf anyways so she doesn't have to worry about wide hips. Then we have The Tearful One wearing a bunch of medals he hasn't actually earned. At least he has an arm around the old ball and chain which believe you me, could be a collector's item because he doesn't touch her much these days.

2005
Mary has birthed the heir. To the heir. She has dug her nails into Frederik's hand as she counts to ten and pushes while two nurses who could be swimmers for the East German team hold those massive legs apart on the stirrups. She deserves to be center stage.

This is probably the nicest Christmas card this pair of assholes has managed to put together. There's Mary, with foundation extending about 7 1/2 inches above her epidermis, and wearing a jacket she didn't even know existed back in her lycra Oza days. Frederik looks reasonably sober and Ziggy the cat seems happy. Christian has the same expression he has now. Still, the grouping is harmonious and it is a nice card overall.

2006
Mary is pregnant with IsNOTabella, but they choose a photo from earlier that year, when Christian turned 1.

Mary looks skinny, which is why this photo was chosen, Frederik looks mildly interested, and Christian looks like he's about to do a Humpty Dumpty. Considering this photo is part of a series that was released a couple of months before, it is a disappointment in the fact that 1) it's old, and 2) it's not holiday-ish at all.
But nothing could prepare us, not even the die-hard fangirls, for the atrocity that is the card from . . .

2007
IsNOTabella has been hidden away for a couple of months in hopes of improving her Frederik-in-drag looks. Christian has been paraded before fresh kill in hopes of "stiffening his resolve" and since it worked, Steen replaces the little stuffed animal photographers usually wave at bored children, and waves a bit of bloody carcass instead.

It works!!!


With the depressing background of a construction-in-progress, here we have the 2007 Christmas Card from The Poser, The Drunk, The Clueless, and IsNOTabella. Mary is posing as much as she can without moving a facial muscle. Frederik is actually smiling, which is rare around Mary these days, Christian can't wait to get his hands on that bloody bit Steen's holding, and IsNOTabella is covered up as much as possible.

Either Marge's cut down poor Steen's budget after all the useless photoshoots he's already done of Mary, or 2008 is going to be a V. Interesting Year.

Get Out Now, Frederik !!!

The sad truth is, darling, your purpose has been served, and there is no need for you to suffer any more.


You married the gold-digging skank. She has borne you two children, meaning that she is going to make out like a bandit with her appanage. She is a celebrity. She is rich. She is famous. Her future is secured.

Get out, Frederik.

Even if you were kind of a loser to begin with, moping around like you have some Great Burden on your lazy shoulders, you're even worse now. This woman is draining all the joy and energy that you ever had. And no, staying together for the sake of the children is not good enough. It's not good for you, and it's not good for the children, because they can tell when everyone around them is unhappy. Mary is ALWAYS going to be unhappy because she will never be Good Enough. Don't you want your children to at least have ONE happy parent?

Get out, Frederik.


See honey, no one is blaming you. You were in the midst of this maelstrom of emotions, with the Olympics, and meeting this girl who appeared so exotic to you, and then the death of your dear grandmother, and this girl could relate since she'd also had a tragic loss not long ago. But that didn't mean you had to marry her, Frederik. Still, you've always been searching, haven't you? Funny thing is, you didn't cry then. You cry at the drop of a hat now. But then, during one of the saddest moments of your life, you didn't. Something to think about.

Whether it was that expedition to Greenland or being a Frogman, you've always searched for something other than your CP duties, chafing from under your mother's cold, hard grip. You were so happy then - well, until your mom showed up, but still, it was something that brought you joy.


No one will blame you for choosing the wrong person. Many people do. And no one will blame you for choosing to, finally, take a stand. You've never done it in your life, this can be the perfect time. Choose to end this farce of a marriage. Choose to look forward, instead of being stuck with someone who only cares about clothes and stilettos.

She couldn't be bothered to be there for you when you jammed along with the Led Zeppelin cover band, could she? You had so much fun and she just couldn't bother, but off she was to shop and see her Private Parts Doctor in London, the first chance she could, with the rest of the Eurotrash. She looks at you with disdain, and you know it.


You knew it at your engagement dinner, didn't you? You knew she was not the person you'd imagined her to be. And then many times, you've looked like you would rather be anywhere else in the world. And no one can blame you.

Divorce is not a scandal anymore. You deserve better than being stuck with this social climber for the rest of your life. You won't be cruel, she'll get everything she wants, money, fame, clothes, and you can find someone who will truly want the best for you and be your friend and partner.

Get out, Frederik, while there is still time.

Mary'd with Children

I've posted about how indifferent Mary seems to be to her own children, but how about other children? I mean, is this someone with a kind disposition towards those little ones who might not be well versed on what a Prada label means and what Chanel sunglasses represent? Granted, the children Mary is in contact with are children who are probably told to be on their best behavior, not do anything rude, etc. so let's take a look, shall we, at our pet's dealings with the youngest set.


Mary was a bridesmaid right before her own wedding - even though she is well aware that there are cameras around I don't see any warmth or even a hint of a faked smile when she talks to the little page boy or ring bearer or whatever it is little boys in tuxedoes do at weddings. Maybe he'd pissed on her shoe, who knows.


Here's the Kronprinsesse at an event for bullied chubby children, or something like that, and she is demonstrating how good a Tramp-o-liner she is. Oh come on, that was practically fed to me, all right? Get it? Fed, chubby . . . oh never mind!

Anyway, while everyone praised her to the skies for being so spontaneous and informal, may I point out that she's not actually connecting with any of the children there, she's just making sure all the cameras are on her.

Or maybe she's just a major bitch.

Anyway, that's all she wrote for today, darlings. Thank you for all the kind comments.

The Ninka Interview

Ah, that minefield of stupidity that Mary is going to have to live down for the rest of her royal life. This was an hours-long interview that Mary gave during the engagement, and which has become an irresistible buffet, a veritable cornucopia of quotations that show just how important Mary tried to sound, how elegant she attempted to be, and how miserably she failed. What comes through, especially now, years after her babbling idiocy, is a self-importance dripping in naivete. That would be HER naivete in thinking that we, the thinking part of her audience, would believe this shit, and in not realizing that she set herself up for lots and lots of delicious, chocolate-covered failure.

Without further ado, I give you a few chosen snippets. Unplug the phone. Turn your Blackberry to vibrate. Grab a glass of wine, a cup of tea, or a bottle of water, and enjoy.

I knew that work should not fill my entire life.
Well, let’s not kid anyone here, Mary darling, because your job record shows that CLEARLY work has never filled your entire life. According to your own website, kronprinsparret.dk, after university, you worked for:
DDB Needham in Melbourne
MOJO Partners, also in Melbourne.
Rapp Collins Worldwide of Edinburgh (3 month contract) while traveling after death of Henrietta.
Returned to Australia in the beginning of 1999
Young and Rubicam, in Sydney.
Love
Belle Property.
In the first half of 2002, taught English at a Business English School in Paris
Later in 2002 moved to Denmark and was employed by Microsoft Business Solutions/Navision

So that’s more than a half dozen jobs in just as many years? Yes, Mary, I agree that work definitely didn’t fill your entire life.


It would have been horrible, if I had been in the spotlight and next day just had to be myself again.
I’m sure, Mary, I mean, once you got a taste of being in the papers for doing nothing other than Frederik, it would have been tough to get back to your commoner life. Good thing it didn’t happen, isn’t it?


The more you are in the spotlight, the more difficult it is withdraw from it.
As you now well know and I am sure you’ll put up with a LOT just to stay in the spotlight.



I have always hated to be photographed.
Isn’t this the grand quote from Mary given my recent post about her addiction to photo shoots? I have to say that this and the “experienced experience” quote from Starmakers are my top two favorites. Here's another pic. I have a billion like it, of Mary looking for the camera.


For the first three and a half month after we had met, after Queen Ingrid died, we didn't see each other.
Could that be because Frederik was still dating someone else? According to all the timelines out there – except the ones of fangirls who could never accept Their Mary was the Other Woman – Frederik was still dating Bettina Odum when he met Mary, and for a few months after he met her. So yeah, boys and girls, Mary was the Other Woman, which nobody can deny.



I have never been interested in being in the front pages of the media. I'm not a "public" kind of person.
Is that why you posed with a z-list celebrity, Sarah O’Hare? Is that why you appeared on an advert for your company? Liar, liar, mismatched pants on fire!!!


I didn't move to Denmark until August 2002, when I moved into an apartment at Langelinie in September and started a new job. I had met one of Frederik's friends, who was a business man in Denmark. He introduced me to Navision. They needed some employees, it was a big company, English speaking, and I could use my experience in project management. Naturally my professional background was the most important asset for them. But they offered me the kind of flexibility I wanted.
Yep, the flexibility to not go to work whenever you wanted!!! Which was often, as people in Navision have said you were barely there. That’s called dedication, my lass, not to work, but to snaring Frederik!!! And the apartment, cost what, 5K a month? With weekly orchid deliveries. Did you set up those deliveries, Mary? And just billed Freddy? How lovely.
How important you are pretending to be, Mary, if your experience was really needed, why were you never at work? Accept it, sweetie, this was a Booty Call job set up by your boyfriend’s friend to keep him happy.


The press wrote that right after I had met Frederik, I took a modeling course to feel more confident! There wasn't anything calculating by that. Fact is, when I started on that course I hadn't met him yet!
BULLSHIT!!! You took Starmakers after meeting Frederik, and if you had an ounce of integrity you would have admitted it and not made such a big deal out of denying it, but you have, and it’s going to haunt you for the rest of your life.


There were expectations in the press, that I could speak fluent Danish, but I couldn't.
And still can’t. Almost four years later, your Danish language skills are shameful, unlike Alexandra, who chose to integrate herself into her new culture. You should be ashamed of yourself, Mary.


And we know that we are a kind of role models for young people. We are seen as an ideal. This is something we discuss, very important.
An ideal what? Couple of lazy parasites?
That’s so cute that you spend time talking about how important you are! OMG, how adorable! Guess what? You’re not. Only to your fangirls who go out to buy dresses like yours, shoes like yours, and knit butt-ugly beanie caps like yours, but that doesn’t make them Followers, it makes them stupid.


If we are going to travel, we can't arrive like anybody else. We will be received by ambassadors, or whoever is appropriate. We cannot be discrete and reserved anymore. We have to announce when we arrive, go by the established protocol, and we have to travel in this formal way.
Can I throw up? Give me a break. When Frederik traveled to see his booty call in Australia he wasn’t received by no goddamn ambassador, ok? You don’t have to announce anything, but then that would mean no media, so you just go ahead and keep those PR people on speed dial, Mary, ok?



I work to prepare myself to my new job, and primarily learning Danish.
And so far, you have failed miserably, because when people can’t understand the shit that’s coming out of your mouth, it means you haven’t learned Danish, yet, you moron.


I have done serious thinking about my new jobs. I have considered many things. Nothing has yet been settled but I have expressed my interest for what I find really exciting and stimulating.
And guess what that is??? Oh Mary, god bless you, you little Pavlov bitch you, stimulated by clothes and shoes.


5 days a week I have Danish lessons or Danish conversation for three hours.
If I spent that much time learning a language and had your skill level, I’d go home. Go home, Mary, to Tasmania. It’s all in English there.



It's important to me to master the language. If you live in a country which has another language than your own, then it's your duty to learn that language, if you want to be a part of that country.
BULLSHIT AGAIN!!! It’s not important to you at all. Not as important as spending money, which you have become really good at, Mary. I call you out as a liar who doesn’t give a shit about integrating herself into her new culture. Not only that, but your daddy and stepmother didn’t bother to learn the language, even though they got jobs and a free apartment in Denmark. Not to mention your pappy's new teeth.



More than anything I have to be the best partner for Frederik.-
You are not. He is worse than ever, even worse than during his early 20s crisis of depression which sent all the palace gray men into a permanent watch. Now he’s almost twice that age and the woman he married is so self obsessed that she barely has time to deal with a husband who is incredibly unhappy and slipping down a very slippery slope.


At some point I'll hope to be recognized as my own person, not just as the partner of Frederik.
Believe me, you are. The “Australian Golddigger” as you have been called by the Danish Media. The Nordic Imelda Marcos. No worries there, mate, people know who you are.



Marriage has to be fun, too. There must be humor and laughter ...
Oh yeah. Because Frederik is smiling a lot with you lately. Riiiight. He smiled a lot when Victoria of Sweden visited. Hmmmmmmm.


The redecoration of our home is very time consuming. It's going to be spectacular. This may surprise some, but we are using quite strong colors on the walls
Time consuming for who? You? Are you doing it yourself? What the fuck? I don’t see your skinny white ass on a ladder, spraying wall texture up there.
And colors? Excuse me, because on those photos of Christian’s first birthday, it looked like the inside of a bowl of oatmeal. The all beige channel.



There's another wonderful aspect to our roles – the people we are able to meet!
But see here, Mary, that should mean you actually look at people when they talk to you, and sadly, you’re too busy looking for cameras.


I have learned not to judge myself too harshly.
That’s clear because you have absolutely no desire to better yourself, other than wearing more expensive clothes. You’ve accepted your mediocrity. I haven’t. I will continue judging you harshly until you stop being a waste of space and air.


I must believe in this, and that there must some reason why I'm here, my destiny.
Oh brother. Destiny. Whatever, Mary. Your destiny was brought about by the fact that Frederik is an idiot.


Frederik doesn't like me to say this, but he's a very lonely person, like we all are.
And you haven’t done a thing to help him. He shouldn’t be lonely, Mary, he should be reveling in his wife and kids. Being alone is one thing, being lonely is a terrible feeling, and you’re not doing anything about it. As long as he puts out the credit card, who cares, right? And frankly, why ARE you saying it if he doesn't want you to, isn't that selling him out for a bit of press? Respect him, Mary.


But the royals have to be smart, too. There has to be a warm, positive feeling about them. Not just doing things because they’ve always been done that way.
Exactly. Which is why you took your kid to the latest hunt, right? Because that’s “not just doing things because they’ve always been done that way.”


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
Mary's favorite poem, she said if she found someone who embodied that poem, then it was the person for her. I think she had a slightly different version of the poem:
I love thee to the depth and breath and height
Your bank account can reach, it better not get light.

2007 Mother of the Year

And our award goes to . . .

Crown Princess Mary of Denmark!!!!


For sticking her nose in the air at the tender moment when she brings her firstborn home. Awwww. Isn't Mary the perfect picture of motherly love? Flipping her hair, posh in her coat to cover the newmom blubber, I know it brings tears to MY eyes.


For being the best mommy ever at not giving a shit about your kid's first experience at Legofuckingland. All Mommie Dearest has eyes for is the camera. Fuck your kid, I mean, who cares, right? Years down the line he'll remember how mom barely looked at him and he'll repeat the process with his own firstborn.


For not even bothering to attempt to comfort IsNOTabella at her christening. Do you hate your daughter that much for making you look fat in that nasty pink dress, Mary? Is that why you look like you wanted to bitchslap her and drop her on her head?


For not giving a shit about how your daughter looks at a PHOTO SHOOT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! I mean, did you really have to cover her face with that ugly bonnet? Why not just put a paper bag on her already???


At the same stellar photo shoot, Lord it was wonderful seeing this in person, Mary, I tell you, we were laughing about you for days afterwards. Not only do you not give a shit about IsNOTabella, but you looked positively embarrassed by Christian. I mean, who wouldn't? He can barely grunt, he points on a good day, and yet you all walk around smiling like nothing is wrong with him. Time for a doctor visit, honey. But anyway, I digress, at least pretend you care about the kid. You can't fool HIM that's for sure, but you could have attempted to fool the public.


And finally - for now, the year's not over - for yapping a lot about raising her kids her own way and modernizing the monarchy, but doing nothing to ensure Christian has a chance at being somewhat normal. Mary, you self-serving bitch, I hope you dream of dead animals for the rest of the year. Let's face it, you have no integrity - you happily sell out your kids to this outdated institution that has made your freak of a husband a worthy successor of Christian VII just so you can get the lifestyly you always craved. You don't give a shit about them, when it comes to weighing their poor lives against what you can get out of marrying Frederik, you have no qualms about throwing Christian and Isabella to the wolves. Or should I say, the dead deer.

Shame on you, Mary.