Top Five (which would be Worst Five for her) Mary Moments of 2007

1 – That Haircut. Simply atrocious. Considering that the very next day she had it re-cut, and has been growing it out since then, you can tell she regretted it the second the shears hit the royal hair. Allegedly it was done to present a more mature Mary, to be taken more seriously. However, that is better done with deeds rather than haircuts. She did make up for it with her recent bangs, but the unbelievably self-centered naming of the Mary Foundation definitely does not make up for Mary’s lack of substance.


2 – The much ballyhooed trip to New York. Oooh, a red carpet!!! (um, they brought it themselves) Oooh, the reporters!!! (all Danish and Australians, the Americans couldn’t have cared less) Oooh, the clothes!!! Ok, the clothes. A horrific mishmash of attempted daring, and boring beiges. The only moment Mary looked half decent was in the black dress and updo on their last day. Even during the gala event in her silver skirt, she looked incredibly self-conscious. I’m sure she wished Frederik would hold her hand, but sadly, she should have thought of that when she was trying to snare him. Instead, she just went for the Black Amex, and that’s exactly what she’s gotten. Almost as much fun was the trip to Romania, where Mary spent a lot of time waving at children who didn’t give a shit who she was.


3 – Isabella’s christening. What can I say. Lots, goodie!!! A shabby (as royal ceremonies go) little service with Mary clearly ignoring her screaming annoyance of a child throughout, and not paying any attention to anything the bishop said. Then an allegedly casual barbecue and pool party – what the fuck? Is this a royal christening or Uncle Billy Bob’s shindig down at the farm? Do we have Freddy smashing beer cans on his forehead, too? Not to mention Mary’s ugly, boring, ill fitting dress and recycled vomitorium of a headdress. The fact that Mary was seen jogging the day before confirms my assertion that the dress was made a wee bit too small for the lass, who was spared from ripping her seams because God does, after all, have pity for us all, sinners and useless bogans alike. Mary had on enough makeup to cover up Maxima’s bad skin, not a small feat there, and made sure her neckline was low enough to show the lactating boobies, just like she did at her firstborn’s christening.


4 – The Interview on Berlingske Tidende – Oh. My. God. What a mess. Sure, it was a response to the many complaints about the Royal Pair-a-sites not giving interviews to the Danish media while freely giving interview to the Australian media (i.e. Vogue spread, Andrew Denton, bla bla bla), and why is Isabella being hidden, bla bla bla. However, they didn’t know where to stop, which is the mistake most thieves and conmen make. Not knowing when to stop. There is a reason why Mary and Fred shouldn’t do interviews – they’re a pair of idiots. The enormous hollow space between their collective ears is the reason why they haven’t given interviews in Denmark. In Australia, sure, back when Mary was still revered as “Our Mary” the Vogue issue was a bestseller and Andrew Denton got some ratings even though he himself said it was his worst interview ever, and why was Mary NOT wearing Danish fashion in the Vogue issue???

But I digress. The interview failed when they decided to do a spread to Show The World Their Love. Much like Britney and K-Fed’s TV failure, Chaotic, this was a completely unconvincing show of forced looks and smiles, and fake-tender affection that has not fooled anyone except those that are already fools, i.e. the Mary fangirls, you know, the girls who like to pretend Starmakers never happened.

The interview itself is a joke, with vague answers from this pair of losers – the interview has even been blasted in the same paper it was published. Oy!!! That’s gotta hurt. Or maybe not. As long as Mary keeps getting her Prada and Chanel and Hugo Boss, she probably doesn’t give a rat’s ass.

So, good intentions from the new PR person, but I guess she didn’t know what a ball of fetid shit she has for clients.


5 – This outfit. Holy fucking matron, Batman! What the flying fuck happened here??? What is this? Was she applying for What Not to Wear, Ever, Even if The Alternative is Going Naked in Denmark in January??

The headband with the nasty little flyaways, ever heard of gel, Mary? Tame those nasties!!! Even Hillary did away with her headbands, for God’s sakes. The floral print coat, which looked like curtains in a Victorian parlor. The cobalt blue dress underneath, which had nothing to do with the print on the coat or the headband. And last, but not least, Mary’s signature, the nude pumps. Repeat with me, Mary, nude doesn’t mean it goes with everything!!! Grey pumps would have been much better. This is typical of the Mary style – a complete mish-mash of things that could work best if only someone with a brain would pair them with something else.

I am sure I will have a similarly enjoyable list in 2008, because if Mary can be counted on for something, it is for her ability to do and say stupid things to make us laugh.