All those photoshoots for nuthin'

Because ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, Mary fangirls and detractors, the SECOND that Mary lets down her guard and doesn't position all her facial muscles properly for the cameras, the MOMENT she forgets that cameras capture ALL expressions, not just the ones she wants, this is what we end up with:



An incredibly unflattering snapshot of Our Mary looking much like her sister, the really ugly one. An expression that no amount of photoshop can save, and no amount of airbrushing could erase.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you The Real Mary.

Desperate Cougar

Let's face it, Mary is as much a "housewife" as I am a Mary fangirl, but lately she has been looking rather . . . desperate. Like one in a group of divorcees that go out to dinner to tell themselves life is good while they ogle the twentysomething waiter.


It began with Mary wearing this SEE THROUGH FUCHSIA blouse to an UNHCR meeting. I mean, really, the UNHCR?? Completely inappropriate but then again, it's Our Mary we're talking about, she is the Queen of Inappropriate.


The very next day came a too-short skirt in a desperately ugly print with bizarre black stripes all over the place. And topped with a rigid, formal black jacket. I don't know if this is Mary's way of saying she has a split personality but man, this outfit sucked!


This "casual" outfit didn't fool anyone. Want to see casual chic? Google photos of the new Princess Marie on her honeymoon. Casual, natural, and classy. Gee, maybe Mary could learn from Marie!!!
The next generation is already being groomed to dress badly and in ugly colors, as we see Chubbarella dressed just like Mor Dearest.


Here is the cougar in her natural habitat. Short, loud dress to insinuate she still has the goods, even if her husband barely notices. Strappy heels WITH AN ANKLET - can we possibly get trashier than that? And, to top it off, a musical number designated to make sure everyone's eyes are on her. At her husband's 40th birthday party. Because heaven forbid the attention not be on Mary.


Soon after, the Model Mother must make an appearance with her child, who still refuses to connect with her since he has already connected with Nanny Mette (burn!).
By the way, Mary, where the hell are your wedding and engagement rings?


The cougar in another typical outfit from Forever 21. If you don't know what Forever 21 is, it's a chain of stores that sell $5 tops, the latest trend, low quality stuff to last just for the season, for people who have a lot of clothes and don't know how to put them together.


Going to a fellow cougar's concert - Kylie Minogue - Mary wears another unflattering short dress with completely mismatched shoes, and a youthful (she hopes) ponytail to pull back all the wrinkles around the eyes. Maybe she should try the tiny braids Marlene Dietrich used to have done under her hair to pull back the skin. Very painful but effective.


Remember that episode in Sex and the City where the ladies tried on fake nipples to entice others? Yeah. Our Mary, sadly, lacks much in the bosom department nowadays, but she still has them nipples, by God! And she's going to show them off! Too bad the puke rose color does nothing for her and she has no clue how to use a shawl. Ask Marie, darling, the French are impossibly chic with their scarves.

Give me a D

But is it D for Drinking too much?

D for Drugs?

or

D for Divorce?

Because Frederik didn't use to look like this.

Or is it the knowledge that his wife is reviled as a gold-digger and useless lump who is only good for shopping and putting her size 9 feet up? The knowledge that his wife, his partner in life, has absolutely no relationship with his children can weigh on a man who realizes he has chosen poorly, who realizes that getting pressured into this big a decision should not have been allowed and that he should have grown a pair and not let himself be pulled around by a tanned fatty who seemed a "natural, normal girl" but has now become a robot with a stick up her ass.

Maybe it is the knowledge that his children do not begin to measure to other children their age, that the unwavering dull expression in their faces is due to the most oppressive presence of all, that of their dictatorial, domineering, perfectionist mother. A mother to whom weight is a sin. A mother who cannot seem to coax a smile out of her children. A mother who carries her children like Paris Hilton carries her dog. For show. For the cameras. A mother more worried about showing her best side than wiping off her children's chins.

The knowledge that he has chosen as poor a mother as his own mother was must be awful for Frederik. Margrethe was a cold mother and what has he chosen, the Ice Queen of all Ice Queens, the worth successor to Margrethe Who Could Not Relate to Children.

Too bad, Frederik, seems you've ruined the next generation already.

We're going to make it funky

in honor of Crown Prince Frederik the Sad's birthday with a retrospective of his last few years. You know, the ones since he married Mary the Blooddrinker, so we can see just how happy the chap has been since he met the succubus.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Lionel Richie.


Well, my friends, the time has come
To raise the roof and have some fun
Throw away the work to be done
Let the music play on
(play on, play on)
Everbody sing, everybody dance

Lose yourself in wild romance
We’re going to party
Karamu, fiesta, forever
Come on and sing along!
We’re going to party
Karamu, fiesta, forever
Come onand sing along!
We’re going to party
Karamu, fiesta, forever
Come on and sing along!

All night long! (all night)
All night long! (all night)
All night long! (all night)
People dancing all in the street
See the rhythm all in their feet
Life is good wild and sweet
Let the music play on
(play on, play on)

Feel it in your heart
And feel it in your soul
Let the music take control
We’re going to party
Liming, fiesta, forever
Come on and sing my song!
All night long! (all night)
All night long! (all night)
All night long! (all night)
All night long! (all night)

Yeah, once you get started
You can’t sit down
Come join the fun
It’s a merry go round
Everyone’s dancing
Their troubles away
Come join our party
See how we play!
Oh, yes
We’re going to have a party!
All night long! (all night)
All night long! (all night)
All night long! (all night)
All night long!

Everyone you meet
They’re jamming in the street
All night long1
Yeah, I said, everyone you meet
They’re jamming in the street
All night long!
Yeah, I said, everyone you meet
They’re jamming in the street
All night long!
Feel good! feel good!




and to quote the Always Fab Ab Fab - "I see no point in celebrating the fact that he's lived so BLOODY LONG."

Here comes the bogan!

There she is! Isn't she lovely? Her radiant pale skin almost matching her pale bridal gown, the huge tiara . . . oh wait. The tiara, diamonds and rubies, doesn't go with an ice blue gown. (Not that it matters, Mary yanked it out of the vault as soon as she found out that Marie was getting a bigger (and historic) tiara than her own pitiful little wirework piece.) And oh, that's not the bride!!

That's just the Crown Princess of Denmark attempting to overshadow the bride, Marie Cavallier, as she marries into the royal family. Tsk, tsk, Mary, I know you are a Desperate Bogan and an attention whore, but come on!

Of course, Mary's pathetic attempts failed miserably as Marie proved to be the most radiant royal bride of recent history. Not only did she look happy and was kind to those around her, unlike Her Royal Bitchiness, but she chose a dress that suited her perfectly, suited her delicate frame, and was appropriate to the occasion. Had she not spent way too much time applying Le Self-Tanner, she would have been perfect, but the girl is human, non?

At least Mary didn't go with her first choice:

which she is probably saving for when Joachim and Marie christen their first child. After all, Mary will probably still not be godmother to any royal child, so she's got to get attention somehow! She sure did her best at this wedding, waving on the red carpet like her was her debutante ball, and shooting daggers at little Felix, innocently about to fall asleep right in front of her, probably hoping he would fall on his face and she would have one less "cute royal child" to compare to her own two blank-faced dumplings.

The Ice Queen in Iceland, Freddy Flirts, and STILL ANOTHER FAILED PHOTOSHOT!!!

Damn, Mary is so freaking out about Trine Villemann's book coming out in English - so that all the girls who hate her in Australia (and everywhere else) can finally read it - that she can't even sit properly!

I can imagine, though. While the book was only in Danish she could ignore it - not to mention she couldn't actually understand much of it, other than the words "Mary" and "Donaldson" and, oh yeah, "Frederik".


Just kidding. That was our Mare in Iceland, where later on she dressed in a set of curtains from her guest room and put on way too much makeup. We're talking caked on, girls, and this shapeless crap does absolutely nothing for her masculine shape. I don't know which idiot came up with this, Anja or Mary, but they deserve one between the eyes for this garbage.


And check out what Se og Hor has on their cover - Freddy getting awfully close to another lass. Hmmm. Happy 4th Anniversary, Mary, here's yer li'l husband plantin' one on another filly - yee haw!

And right as I am hitting my deadline, more photos are released for Freddy Pan's (the boy who will never grow up) 40th birthday, in which he is seen looking more pathetic than usual, having his nanny dressing him, and touching Mary in a very weird and completely asexual way.

This has been one wonderful week, y'all!

Mine was a vacation, what's your excuse?

So faithful readers, as you may have noticed, I took a bit of a break here, and I noticed the Mary Mothership, AKA, Danish Royal Watchers, is taking a break, too. I had a lovely time with lovely company, thank you for asking.

I have had people comment that Susan Moody is the person behind DRWS, I really don't think The Plump One would write such drivel, although, hey, her books are pretty darn mediocre, and so is DRWS, so it could be.

But regarding this blog's reason for being, the newly minted Countess of Monpezat - excuse me while I laugh - is that in preparation for a divorce, so Mary will have a lifetime title? The way this self-serving family acts, they remind me of the US Congress, voting on their own salary raises. Hmmm, let me think, should I vote YES on raising my salary? That's a hard one.

In any case, let's recap the last few weeks in the life and times of our favorite piece of bogan trash, shall we?


First we have Mary being inducted into the Royal Mayestaits Acteurs at the Culture House, like other members of the DRF before her. She completely ruins the collar of that jacket with the stupid black ruffle underneath. Are we shocked? Of course not, it's Mary, capable of ruining any designer piece in a single outing, able to mix gorgeous pieces so badly that ONE wishes to throw her to the pig bin.


Here is Your Mary, with a major bitch look on her face, looking down at an older lady who did her part for the DANISH RESISTANCE. Can you imagine? What has the world come to when a social climbing, gold digging piece of trash can be a snob to such a heroic figure?


Mary attempting to recerate a portrait of the beloved Ingrid for Billed Bladet. The camera whore Princess Mary is nothing but a cheap copy. A cheap copy who loves to pose for magazines, but is hard pressed to give interviews because SHE STILL CAN'T SPEAK DANISH WELL!


Mary looking awful after a laser treatment. She really should have done it when she had a few days before venturing out to scare people like that. The raw scarring, topped with a kilo of foundation give her a burn victim's mask look, although her crows' feet still look pretty bad.


Mary gets it wrong again - I said I loved the TV show Shameless because hottie James McAvoy is in it. But Mary heard "Shapeless" and thus wore this awful ensemble that does absolutely nothing for her masculine figure.


I think Mary needs help learning how to walk as well as with her clothes, because what the fuck is this???

Mary and co. in Miami, where she takes advantage of a giddy Frederik, happy to have gotten 4th place after many poor results with Nanoq, and after plying him with much booze, stages a lovey dovey kiss that has the Mary fangirls set changing their panties.


A badly staged photoshoot of IsNOTabella's first birthday "celebration" with the family. Mary, overdoing the smiles (so soon after the laser treatment, Mary?) showing Christian's crotch to the world, and Frederik, in another awful striped sweater. This man wants to be the next Bert Convy, and if you go look up who that is, you will be very scared.


And here is Mary, attempting a daring decolletage for the mammary-challenged. Sadly, delicate fluttery sleeves are not good on massive bogan shoulders such as hers. Good color, as compared to all the puke and pus shades she usually sports, but bad style. Who the fuck is choosing this crap? Is it Mary or her much touted and grossly overpaid stylist? Because, whoever it is, Mary looks like crap.


After going home in her blue dress, Mary seems to have had some major Botox injections because she looks like a mannequin (and not a good one) in this latest appearance. The Egyptian style kohl eye makeup is truly horrendous in both color and application, and she can't seem to move the upper part of her face.

So, my darling readers, these are but a few of the lowlights of my favorite ex-chubbette's goings on. She gets more and more pathetic every day and if the rumors I am hearing are correct, there is a good reason for that.