Monday, June 23, 2008

How To Look Bad - on purpose

Imagine you are rich beyond measure. Price tags have ceased to be something you bother with, discounts are for the plebe, and sales are for the unwashed masses. You can pretty much wear what you want, when you want. Imagine there are designers, good ones, clamoring for you to wear their things. Imagine you can now wear Chanel, Prada, and Gucci, have diamonds dripping down your ears. Imagine you can now have any beauty treatment imaginable, your skin will be perfection, your eyes wrinkle free, your lips always ready to smile gently, almost humbly for all the good luck you've had.

Now imagine you are Princess Mary of Denmark.

Bitch just WANTS to look bad!

If you don't believe me, just check out these unlikely ensembles of distaste Bitch has put together just in the last week.


Today's outfit in London. This top is about as unflattering as it gets for Mary's build. Other than her formerly favorite Lycra/Spandex Starmakers tops, this lovely brown top is wasted on Mary's barely-there bosom, humongous shoulders, and generally butch build. The girly sleeves are a joke on her massive arms. Leave this one to the Letizias of the world, pet.


I have to say, it's really sad when even your own clothes stand up away from you. Just look at this poor jacket. It's practically ripping itself off Mary's back. This is what happens when One does not have proper tailoring done to One's clothes.


This is a huge amount of makeup for daytime. Even with photography, day shots are usually softer than nighttime and Mary should have planned accordingly. She has caked on an enormous amount of foundation but not powder, which means she looks sweaty and oily. She also has shimmery eyeshadow which is not good on someone with as many eye area wrinkles as Mary, but there you go. What do I know? I'm only a fashion and beauty expert. I would have slapped some Preparation H on those undereyes, first thing, although I am surprised by the fact she has not used botox yet, given the terrible state of her skin. A wax on her sideburns wuold have been good, too.


Speaking of sweaty, here we are treated to yet another instance of Mary showing off her pit stains. This is disgusting. This is basic grooming, and any idiot out there, let alone a fucking PRINCESS who is in public all the time, should know better than not be prepared. Shame on you, Mary, you useless slag.


Another designer gown, another mess. Here is Mary in an incredibly unflattering color, and a wrap she has no idea what to do with. Come to think of it, what the fuck IS that? It has a collar, but nothing else. Shit. Should have asked for something else, Mare. The puce plum color washes her out. The go-go dancer bun is aging, and she keeps fiddling with the wrap because she has no sense of herself and just plain how to BE.

So dear ones, here is just one week's worth of How to Ruin Couture, brought to you by Princess Mary, because if our gal can't ruin Prada, who can?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

She wears 5 tons of makeup to hide who she really is, too bad it doesn't work.

The clothes that she wears isn't half bad but she always manages to make them look bad.

Hester said...

She chucked her granny's letters in the bin - but kept her bedjacket!

Anonymous said...

Dear Royal Truthie,

Her marriage is the SAME!!!!!!!!!!

How to ruin a man/country/the life of others - on Purpose!

the sooner she DDDDeparts the better it'll be for all.

Great post. Keep up the great work/perceptions.

Getafix.