Mary’s Style – a.k.a. Oxymoronland

The style of the Crown Princess of Denmark is much discussed on message boards around the world. To her supporters, she can do no wrong. Not only do they praise her and quickly make up excuses for her if she wears something atrocious, but they purchase clothes and accessories that look like what Mary wears. They are in love with the designers Mary can afford, even if it means they spend a month’s salary on a Prada thong just to be able to say that they, like their beloved Mary, wear Prada.


To her detractors, Mary can do no right, she is a nouveau riche trend-follower who keeps making the same mistakes she did when she wore lycra and spandex 24/7, except now she gets it wrong wearing $500 shorts.

Here's our Color Blind Poppet in a blue and gold striped shirt with a black skirt.

The most clueless 16-year-old at the local mall could tell you that this outfit clashes.

My opinion? Mary has no style. She does her best to be on top of trends, but she fails miserably in the one rule that anyone with a soupcon of style knows – choose what flatters you most. If bright orange is the color of the season and it makes you look like you’re about to barf, well, guess what, you do not wear it. Mary doesn’t know what looks good on her. She didn’t know before, wearing all that lycra and sleeveless tops that made her look masculine, and she doesn’t know now, wearing sometimes gowns and dresses that are made for much more delicate frames.


Here Mary completely ruins a delicate dress by wearing a wrap in a clashing shade of pink with a pattern that ruins the long and fluid lines of the dress.

There are times when she looks good.

Usually, when she wears a tailored suit, with a medium sized hat, and let’s face it, it’s a look that suits most figures and frames.

Good tailoring hides a multitude of imperfections, so it’s not a great accomplishment of Mary’s to look good in a suit.


Mary wearing a hideous getup with her disastrous haircut of early 2007, which was designed to make her look more competent, but it just made her look like any entry-level newsreader.

Masculine women should not wear frilly shirts.

And Mary is incredibly fond of mixing whites and creams, which is a no-no.

The worst part – Mary has a stylist. Anja-Camilla Alajdi, who is one of Mary’s paid friends – along with her Lady in Waiting Caroline Heering. So sad that the two people closest to Mary are two that she pays to keep her company. But I digress. This Anja-Camilla is grossly overpaid for some of the trash bags Mary has worn lately. At best, Mary gets it right 10% of the time. That means she gets it wrong about 50% of the time and the other 40% is mediocre.


Even in gala occasions Mary gets it wrong. Look at this photo of our favorite beige-addict - the color is simply dreadful to her complexion, the hairstyle doesn't give her any oomph, and SHE HAS SWEAT STAINS ON HER ARMPIT!!!

How difficult is it for a princess with attendants to remember the antiperspirant???

That's not even the worst part. Click on the photo. I dare you. She hasn't shaved her armpits in at least 3 days. Want a closet look at those royal armpit hairs? Click here. If that's not disgusting, I don't know what is. And it's not even the only time it's happened. Mary has been known to show pit stains every so often, probably when it's a slow news day.

But no, far be it from those wearing rose-coloured glasses to criticize their Perfect Princess. Mary is an insecure, label-addicted, sunglass wearing wannabe starlet who now has access to a Black American Express card. Along with a stylist, it should mean she is wonderfully dressed for each occasion. In reality, it means that Mary is one of the biggest wastes of space in current history. The money would be better spent sending her and her trough-sipping daddy and step-mom back to Hobart and getting a speech therapist for her husband, the Endless Stutterer Crown Prince Frederik.


ETA: Thanks to darcy for reminding me of the sweaty pit stains Mary displayed when her daughter was born. It's not like the woman had no time to rub on some Secret, for God's sakes, she has a staff.