How To Look Bad - on purpose

Imagine you are rich beyond measure. Price tags have ceased to be something you bother with, discounts are for the plebe, and sales are for the unwashed masses. You can pretty much wear what you want, when you want. Imagine there are designers, good ones, clamoring for you to wear their things. Imagine you can now wear Chanel, Prada, and Gucci, have diamonds dripping down your ears. Imagine you can now have any beauty treatment imaginable, your skin will be perfection, your eyes wrinkle free, your lips always ready to smile gently, almost humbly for all the good luck you've had.

Now imagine you are Princess Mary of Denmark.

Bitch just WANTS to look bad!

If you don't believe me, just check out these unlikely ensembles of distaste Bitch has put together just in the last week.


Today's outfit in London. This top is about as unflattering as it gets for Mary's build. Other than her formerly favorite Lycra/Spandex Starmakers tops, this lovely brown top is wasted on Mary's barely-there bosom, humongous shoulders, and generally butch build. The girly sleeves are a joke on her massive arms. Leave this one to the Letizias of the world, pet.


I have to say, it's really sad when even your own clothes stand up away from you. Just look at this poor jacket. It's practically ripping itself off Mary's back. This is what happens when One does not have proper tailoring done to One's clothes.


This is a huge amount of makeup for daytime. Even with photography, day shots are usually softer than nighttime and Mary should have planned accordingly. She has caked on an enormous amount of foundation but not powder, which means she looks sweaty and oily. She also has shimmery eyeshadow which is not good on someone with as many eye area wrinkles as Mary, but there you go. What do I know? I'm only a fashion and beauty expert. I would have slapped some Preparation H on those undereyes, first thing, although I am surprised by the fact she has not used botox yet, given the terrible state of her skin. A wax on her sideburns wuold have been good, too.


Speaking of sweaty, here we are treated to yet another instance of Mary showing off her pit stains. This is disgusting. This is basic grooming, and any idiot out there, let alone a fucking PRINCESS who is in public all the time, should know better than not be prepared. Shame on you, Mary, you useless slag.


Another designer gown, another mess. Here is Mary in an incredibly unflattering color, and a wrap she has no idea what to do with. Come to think of it, what the fuck IS that? It has a collar, but nothing else. Shit. Should have asked for something else, Mare. The puce plum color washes her out. The go-go dancer bun is aging, and she keeps fiddling with the wrap because she has no sense of herself and just plain how to BE.

So dear ones, here is just one week's worth of How to Ruin Couture, brought to you by Princess Mary, because if our gal can't ruin Prada, who can?

All those photoshoots for nuthin'

Because ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, Mary fangirls and detractors, the SECOND that Mary lets down her guard and doesn't position all her facial muscles properly for the cameras, the MOMENT she forgets that cameras capture ALL expressions, not just the ones she wants, this is what we end up with:



An incredibly unflattering snapshot of Our Mary looking much like her sister, the really ugly one. An expression that no amount of photoshop can save, and no amount of airbrushing could erase.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you The Real Mary.

Desperate Cougar

Let's face it, Mary is as much a "housewife" as I am a Mary fangirl, but lately she has been looking rather . . . desperate. Like one in a group of divorcees that go out to dinner to tell themselves life is good while they ogle the twentysomething waiter.


It began with Mary wearing this SEE THROUGH FUCHSIA blouse to an UNHCR meeting. I mean, really, the UNHCR?? Completely inappropriate but then again, it's Our Mary we're talking about, she is the Queen of Inappropriate.


The very next day came a too-short skirt in a desperately ugly print with bizarre black stripes all over the place. And topped with a rigid, formal black jacket. I don't know if this is Mary's way of saying she has a split personality but man, this outfit sucked!


This "casual" outfit didn't fool anyone. Want to see casual chic? Google photos of the new Princess Marie on her honeymoon. Casual, natural, and classy. Gee, maybe Mary could learn from Marie!!!
The next generation is already being groomed to dress badly and in ugly colors, as we see Chubbarella dressed just like Mor Dearest.


Here is the cougar in her natural habitat. Short, loud dress to insinuate she still has the goods, even if her husband barely notices. Strappy heels WITH AN ANKLET - can we possibly get trashier than that? And, to top it off, a musical number designated to make sure everyone's eyes are on her. At her husband's 40th birthday party. Because heaven forbid the attention not be on Mary.


Soon after, the Model Mother must make an appearance with her child, who still refuses to connect with her since he has already connected with Nanny Mette (burn!).
By the way, Mary, where the hell are your wedding and engagement rings?


The cougar in another typical outfit from Forever 21. If you don't know what Forever 21 is, it's a chain of stores that sell $5 tops, the latest trend, low quality stuff to last just for the season, for people who have a lot of clothes and don't know how to put them together.


Going to a fellow cougar's concert - Kylie Minogue - Mary wears another unflattering short dress with completely mismatched shoes, and a youthful (she hopes) ponytail to pull back all the wrinkles around the eyes. Maybe she should try the tiny braids Marlene Dietrich used to have done under her hair to pull back the skin. Very painful but effective.


Remember that episode in Sex and the City where the ladies tried on fake nipples to entice others? Yeah. Our Mary, sadly, lacks much in the bosom department nowadays, but she still has them nipples, by God! And she's going to show them off! Too bad the puke rose color does nothing for her and she has no clue how to use a shawl. Ask Marie, darling, the French are impossibly chic with their scarves.

Give me a D

But is it D for Drinking too much?

D for Drugs?

or

D for Divorce?

Because Frederik didn't use to look like this.

Or is it the knowledge that his wife is reviled as a gold-digger and useless lump who is only good for shopping and putting her size 9 feet up? The knowledge that his wife, his partner in life, has absolutely no relationship with his children can weigh on a man who realizes he has chosen poorly, who realizes that getting pressured into this big a decision should not have been allowed and that he should have grown a pair and not let himself be pulled around by a tanned fatty who seemed a "natural, normal girl" but has now become a robot with a stick up her ass.

Maybe it is the knowledge that his children do not begin to measure to other children their age, that the unwavering dull expression in their faces is due to the most oppressive presence of all, that of their dictatorial, domineering, perfectionist mother. A mother to whom weight is a sin. A mother who cannot seem to coax a smile out of her children. A mother who carries her children like Paris Hilton carries her dog. For show. For the cameras. A mother more worried about showing her best side than wiping off her children's chins.

The knowledge that he has chosen as poor a mother as his own mother was must be awful for Frederik. Margrethe was a cold mother and what has he chosen, the Ice Queen of all Ice Queens, the worth successor to Margrethe Who Could Not Relate to Children.

Too bad, Frederik, seems you've ruined the next generation already.